PIRANHA (2010) - aka: Blood and Boobs 3D

What is there to be said about the best summer movie to be released in a long while? Piranha is one and a half hours of absolutely ridiculous and hilarious bad acting, violence, gore and and hot babes. It is the furthest thing possible from a pretentious, artsy serious film. It is a fun, stupid movie that knows exactly what it is that makes people laugh and have a good time in front of the tube.

I'd let piranhas attack me if it meant Elizabeth Shue would patch me up...

Like most slasher movies, Piranha doesn't really give a damn about having a coherent, believable plot. The film focuses on the tourist hot spot of Lake Victoria, Arizona as hundreds of drunk, obnoxious frat guys wearing Tapout shirts and spray on tanner and assorted skanks drop by to get wasted (and eventually killed in grotesque fashion) during Spring Break. What these douchebags don't know is that because of an earthquke, a subterranean lake filled with thousands of  prehistoric man-eating piranhas is discovered and opened up, releasing the mean little bastards. After being trapped for a million years, you bet your ass they're mean as hell and want to wreck your shit. Elizabeth Shue plays the local, single mom sheriff who eventually has to deal with the problem of people getting their asses and faces eaten off on the lake front, as well as having to take care of her sissy teenage son Jake. See Jake is a total loser, since he always misses out on Spring Break because he's babysitting his younger brother and sister, while everyone else is out drinking Bud Lights and mackin' on hos at the beach.

Kelly Brook in a movie about killer fish eating mostly naked people. A must watch.

Since he's totally friend-zoned with the chick he digs, he conveniently runs into Kelly Brook's character Danni, who has absolutely no role in the plot other than looking bomb in a bikini while some sleazy dude films her and other girls for some Girls Gone Wild video. She has a five minute scene which can only be described as a naked, underwater opera (in 3D) in which she swims around with some other bimbo while music plays, which is probably why Piranha made $68 million at the box office. If you were making a movie, you'd probably find a way to have Kelly Brook wearing skimpy clothing in most scenes as well. Jake ends up tagging along with the sleazy director and his babes on a boat, which predictably starts to sink near the middle of the movie. OMFG BIG SURPRISE, GUISE. Christopher Lloyd is also in this, which is pretty awesome seeing as how he hasn't been in too many movies in a while, but sadly he's only got a few scenes. Hopefully, we'll see more of him in any future sequels. The same goes for the always badass Ving Rhames (of Dawn of the Dead fame) who plays a sheriff alongside Shue and has the best scenes in the flick, killing piranhas with a shotgun or a boat engine.

Ving Rhames killing piranhas WITH A BOAT MOTOR.

When the piranhas finally start wrecking havoc, it's glorious. There's no other way to describe it. People get eaten in the most imaginative ways ever caught on film. You name it, it's bitten off by the fish. Some dude gets his manhood chewed up, a piranha has a chick's eyeball for lunch, a naked broad on a parachute gets her legs ripped off, and some poor schmuck gets his whole face nibbled away. Some of it is pretty damn gruesome, but it's no worse than you'd see in your typical horror movie, and to top it off, most of it is done in a funny fashion. You can't help but laugh as Eli Roth's character, who spends one of his two scenes screaming "boobs!", "tits!", or "tittays!" at the top of his lungs, gets his head chopped off by a some Jersey Shore-looking bro in a motorboat.

The main problem with Piranha is that it ends too damn fast. I was left wanting to see more of the frenzied destruction, and more Abercrombie-wearing bros getting eaten alive. More Ving Rhames. More Kelly Brook (not that it's lacking in this department). Hopefully there will be a decent sequel with more of the same.

tl;dr: killer fish, boobs, and bros getting eaten. it's hilarious - 9/10