CAPTAIN AMERICA (2011) - USA! USA! USA!

I've never been a much of a comic book reader, but with all the superhero movie adaptations coming to the screen, I did ask myself why no one was bothering to bring Captain America to the big screen. Of course a week after, they announced the release date and casting for Captain America: The First Avenger. I was stoked to see the final result, and a few weeks ago managed to get my ass to the theater and enjoy the movie in all it's big screen glory. High hopes were had while entering the theater, and I'm glad to report the movie doesn't disappoint.
 

The recession affects all of us. Even the Captain.

The year is 1942. Nazi Germany's rampage through Europe has been hugely successful and most of Europe is under its total control. A Nazi officer by the name of Johann Schmidt (Hugo Weaving) finds an ancient mysterious object which promises ungodly amounts of energy, and begins to develop weapons based off it.

Back in America, Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is a scrawny dweeb, who suffers the indignity of being rejected by the Army multiple times while watching all his cool friends join up to fight Hitler. Dejected, he is approached by Dr. Erskine (Stanley Tucci), a brilliant scientists who offers him a chance to serve his country. Rogers accepts, and goes through selection training with Colonel Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) and Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell), a British spy sent to help the Americans. Rogers makes the final cut, and is transformed into a super soldier by Erskine's serum. Unfortunately for Rogers, the lab is attacked by Nazi agents right after his transformation, and he is left as a one of a kind freak show.

All that P90X finally paid off.

Unconvinced by Rogers' potential, the Army has Captain America go on tour to sell war bonds, which Rogers soon grows to hate, since he longs for the real action. While visiting troops in the European battlefield, he hears that his best friend's unit was captured, and he gets Peggy and Howard Stark (Dominic Cooper) to help him infiltrate a huge German base and manages to save the prisoners.

After his first reckless, improvised mission, Rogers finally manages to convince the Colonel that he can contribute to the war, gets his iconic shield, and suits up to kick ass. He and his new team of Howling Commandos are sent out to destroy Red Skull's secret weapons factories throughout occupied Europe. As they take the fight to the Nazis, they soon discover that Red Skull's plans go far beyond the scope of Hitler's Reich: he's building a series of super weapons for his HYDRA unit with which he plans to take over most of the world, including a giant flying wing bomber plane to attack New York City. In true comic book fashion, only the Captain and his buddies can take on Red Skull and stop his Nazi shenanigans once and for all.

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

Superhero movies of late have mostly tried to emulate the grittier, more realistic tone of Batman Begins, which worked wonders for the latest X-Men movie and Iron Man, but also gave us the god awful emo Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3. Thankfully, Captain America has brought back a bit of camp into the mix. The Art Deco buildings, giant flying wings and propaganda posters everywhere add up to a cool '40s vibe that helps the sets and action stand out. Chris Evans nails his role, the Captain being a better fit for him than the Human Torch, and Hugo Weaving has a surprisingly good turn as the snarling, red-faced Nazi bastard. Hayley Atwell is a feast for the eyes of course, but the best role has got to be Tommy Lee Jones as the smartass, gruff Colonel who has most of the best lines and steals every scene he's in. The production value is great as you'd expect from the big Marvel blockbusters, with great CGI used to good effect in the final battle, but a lot of praise goes towards the use of gorgeous 40s sets that look convincing and add to the movie's charm. Yes, Captain America is all about cockpunching Nazis, but damn if it isn't a good looking movie.

An actual picture of Hugo Weaving without make up.

Captain America is an example getting a comic book movie right (*cough cough* Green Lanturd, I'm looking at you...). Joe Johnston has put plenty of pulpy, serial-inspired action on the screen, kept the cheese factor reasonably low, and has a good cast to fill the roles. It seems like making a good superhero movie should be a no-brainer, but I'm grateful that this one turned out as well as it did. Of course, they also did a nice job of getting the audience ready for next year's Avengers, with the obligatory and rather long post-credits teaser. I won't spoil it, but it's worth watching. Recommended.

Best scene: Every scene with Hayley Atwell in it. YUM.

Best line: (a POW asks Rogers if he knows what he's doing as they escape a Nazi camp) - "Yeah, I've knocked out Adolf Hitler over 200 times."



TL;DR - The Cap kicks Nazi ass & gets the babe in the best superhero movie of the summer - 8/10

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - Bigger and better

Michael Bay gets a lot of crap about the way his movies all seem alike as well as his massive use of explosions and special effects. Whether you like his films or not, it's pretty clear to see that Bay is exactly the guy needed to direct a franchise based on a children's TV show about giant, transforming robots that come to wreak havoc on Earth. With Transformers, there really isn't any other way to approach other than just making the biggest, loudest, most visually dazzling picture that budget will allow, and he's done just that with the latest in the series. Anyone paying for a $20 IMAX ticket to Dark of the Moon and expecting to see a great screenplay and fantastic acting should have learned their lesson a while ago.

Any guy who says he wouldn't want to have Optimus Prime's voice is lying.

This time around, Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) has moved in with his new girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), replacing poor Megan Fox and her weird toe thumb. Sam has been having trouble adjusting to his life out of college, since he's out of a job and no one seems to be giving him any respect. The Autobots, still led by Optimus Prime, are now working for the government and kicking terrorist ass worldwide in order to keep the world safe, but things don't stay rosy for too long. Optimus learns that the humans had discovered an Autobot ship on the dark side of the Moon during the Apollo landings. The Autobots investigate and find the Ark, a ship belonging to an Autobot stashed inside the ship named Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy).

Louis Stevens: humanity's last hope for survival.

Optimus rescues and revives Sentinel Prime, who informs them that the Decepticons are after a powerful technology called the Pillars, and that they must not get their hands on it. Sam offers his services to the government after witnessing a Decepticon attack on a co-worker at his new job, and is there to witness as Sentinel Prime betrays the Autobots. It's revealed Sentinel had a secret pact with the Decepticons, and after he kills Ironhide, he helps the Decepticons to plan and pull off an invasion of Earth by transporting huge armies through time and space to win the war once and for all, and enslave the human race. Things get a bit more complicated as we learn that the Decepticons may in fact have some human allies helping them on Earth, willing to betray their own kind.

Watching Bay turn Chicago into a war zone is the best part of the movie.

 Weak story and wooden acting aside, you have to hand it to Michael Bay: the guy knows how to make a bitching popcorn movie. Transformers looks absolutely amazing. It's incredible to see the kind of sharp, life-like CGI that $195 million will buy. The robots themselves are great to look at, and the battle scenes are even better. The Decepticon invasion and attack is insane: whole city blocks are demolished with enormous explosions, with hundreds of planes, vehicles, people and robots sharing the screen in a spectacular orgy of synchronized destruction on an epic scale. There's a slick freeway chase scene that's amongst the best scenes in the movie, while the long final battle in which most of Chicago is turned to rubble is so wickedly entertaining that it is without a doubt a series highlight.

When in doubt, cast a former Victoria's Secret model.

 Bay has also cut down a bit on the ridiculously quick cuts from the first movie that made it nearly impossible to see just what the hell was going during action scenes. He's replaced most of that nonsense with slow motion instead, and while it's still annoying, at least you now have a clearer look at the action. Fantastic visuals aside, Dark of the Moon falls short in the same areas like the previous flicks, although this one enjoys a better cast thanks to good turns by John Malkovich, Frances McDormand and the always hilarious John Turturro. Firefly favorite Alan Tudyk and The Hangover's Ken Jeong have brief, weak cameos. Dark of the Moon is a much more enjoyable movie than the first two however, since Bay focuses more time on the action and less on the basically half-assed attempt at story, and keeps things moving briskly.

Poor Tyrese and Duhamel get less screen time than the annoying Mexican Transformer.

It's a movie made to be watched and enjoyed in 3D, make mountains of cash at the box office, and keep you interested enough to make you shell out the $20 to watch the inevitable sequel. If you accept it for what it is, and look past the obvious flaws, it can be an enjoyable movie. Bay knows the secret to putting asses in seats: amazing visuals, having Shia LeBeouf scream at the top of his lungs every 10 minutes, comedic one-liners from expendable characters, and slow-motion panning shots of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's ass as she climbs stairs in her underwear. If you're not watching it on the big screen in all it's 3D glory, you're missing the point.

TL;DR - Better cast and better action make this the best Transformers movie yet - 6/10

SANCTUM (2011) - Making money off James Cameron's name

If you live anywhere in the US of A, chances are you've been bombarded by commercials and trailers for Sanctum. If this were any other movie, I guess it'd be fine, since big movies tend to get their stuff plastered all over TV anyways, but Sanctum's ad blitz was different. Right from the beginning, your puny, peasant brain is force fed huge amounts of James Cameron's name every five seconds or so. "From executive producer James Cameron... / The director of Titanic and Avatar... / The guy with a hard on for 3D... / CONVINCED YET?..." This is unfortunate, since I first saw this trailer and said to myself this might be some sort of spiritual successor to one of my favorite movies of all time, The Abyss. It's too bad James Cameron pretty much just stuck his name on the trailers to get people to pay up the $20 or whatever those ridiculous 3D movie tickets cost these days to watch this stinker.

James Franco called. He wants his climbing shit back.

Frank McGuire (Richard Roxburgh) is an veteran cave explorer, off on an expedition in Papua New Guinea. His son Josh (Rhys Wakefield) flies out alongside his dad's friend and money supplier Carl (Ioan Gruffudd) to meet up with his father. They're also accompanied by Carl's girlfriend, Victoria, who is apparently just there for eye candy since I can't recall a single contribution she makes to further the plot throughout the entire movie. In any case, the team has already set up a camp inside the unexplored cave, complete with video and phone communications and all those other gizmos that always tend to break when a catastrophe occurs.

"Josh is a pretty cool guy. He climbs the caves and doesn't afraid of drowning."

While everyone gets settled in and ready for the dive, Frank and his partner Judes go off by themselves to check out an unexplored section. Of course, they just broke the #1 rule of survival movies: don't separate yourself from the group. Sure enough, while making their way back, the air hose on Judes' scuba gear breaks, and she drowns. Back at base camp, Josh throws a hissy fit, saying that Frank could've done more to save her, proving what an ignorant little tard Josh really is. The team decides to pack up and leave, when all of a sudden (duh?) a tropical cyclone breaks out over the island, flooding the caves with rain water, and forcing the group to have to find a way out of the massive caves before their air runs out.

Yo, that's a big ass cave tho...

It's always worrying when you watch a movie and you recognize one of the stars but cant remember what the hell they've been in or you realize you have no idea what their name is. Ioan Gruffud (how the hell do you pronounce that anyway?) was in the Fantastic Four movie, and after you watch Sanctum, it'll be perfectly clear to see why he hasn't been cast in anything else you might have seen. He over acts in every single scene, he generally comes off as an asshole, and tries hard but fails at being menacing. It's like rubbing your eyeballs on a cheesegrater. That's how bad he is in this. Wakefield and Roxburgh are also pretty unknown, but at least they do a good job of portraying the son and father who share equal parts disdain and respect for each other. Everyone else is mediocre. This really is no surprise: people who watch Sanctum are doing it because of the 3D (which is very well done actually), but the characters are forgettable and boring.

I was rooting for the cave to take them all out. True story.

Sanctum is a gimmick movie, plain and simple. If you want to see it, watch it in theaters while you still can. If it wasn't for the 3D action sequences, this thing would have gone straight to DVD, sharing the shelves with other great classics like Snakes on a Train and Transmorphers. If 3D is not your thing, don't bother.

TL;DR - cave explorers try to survive flooding caves and movie execs try to get your dollars with DAT 3D - 4/10

PIRANHA (2010) - aka: Blood and Boobs 3D

What is there to be said about the best summer movie to be released in a long while? Piranha is one and a half hours of absolutely ridiculous and hilarious bad acting, violence, gore and and hot babes. It is the furthest thing possible from a pretentious, artsy serious film. It is a fun, stupid movie that knows exactly what it is that makes people laugh and have a good time in front of the tube.

I'd let piranhas attack me if it meant Elizabeth Shue would patch me up...

Like most slasher movies, Piranha doesn't really give a damn about having a coherent, believable plot. The film focuses on the tourist hot spot of Lake Victoria, Arizona as hundreds of drunk, obnoxious frat guys wearing Tapout shirts and spray on tanner and assorted skanks drop by to get wasted (and eventually killed in grotesque fashion) during Spring Break. What these douchebags don't know is that because of an earthquke, a subterranean lake filled with thousands of  prehistoric man-eating piranhas is discovered and opened up, releasing the mean little bastards. After being trapped for a million years, you bet your ass they're mean as hell and want to wreck your shit. Elizabeth Shue plays the local, single mom sheriff who eventually has to deal with the problem of people getting their asses and faces eaten off on the lake front, as well as having to take care of her sissy teenage son Jake. See Jake is a total loser, since he always misses out on Spring Break because he's babysitting his younger brother and sister, while everyone else is out drinking Bud Lights and mackin' on hos at the beach.

Kelly Brook in a movie about killer fish eating mostly naked people. A must watch.

Since he's totally friend-zoned with the chick he digs, he conveniently runs into Kelly Brook's character Danni, who has absolutely no role in the plot other than looking bomb in a bikini while some sleazy dude films her and other girls for some Girls Gone Wild video. She has a five minute scene which can only be described as a naked, underwater opera (in 3D) in which she swims around with some other bimbo while music plays, which is probably why Piranha made $68 million at the box office. If you were making a movie, you'd probably find a way to have Kelly Brook wearing skimpy clothing in most scenes as well. Jake ends up tagging along with the sleazy director and his babes on a boat, which predictably starts to sink near the middle of the movie. OMFG BIG SURPRISE, GUISE. Christopher Lloyd is also in this, which is pretty awesome seeing as how he hasn't been in too many movies in a while, but sadly he's only got a few scenes. Hopefully, we'll see more of him in any future sequels. The same goes for the always badass Ving Rhames (of Dawn of the Dead fame) who plays a sheriff alongside Shue and has the best scenes in the flick, killing piranhas with a shotgun or a boat engine.

Ving Rhames killing piranhas WITH A BOAT MOTOR.

When the piranhas finally start wrecking havoc, it's glorious. There's no other way to describe it. People get eaten in the most imaginative ways ever caught on film. You name it, it's bitten off by the fish. Some dude gets his manhood chewed up, a piranha has a chick's eyeball for lunch, a naked broad on a parachute gets her legs ripped off, and some poor schmuck gets his whole face nibbled away. Some of it is pretty damn gruesome, but it's no worse than you'd see in your typical horror movie, and to top it off, most of it is done in a funny fashion. You can't help but laugh as Eli Roth's character, who spends one of his two scenes screaming "boobs!", "tits!", or "tittays!" at the top of his lungs, gets his head chopped off by a some Jersey Shore-looking bro in a motorboat.

The main problem with Piranha is that it ends too damn fast. I was left wanting to see more of the frenzied destruction, and more Abercrombie-wearing bros getting eaten alive. More Ving Rhames. More Kelly Brook (not that it's lacking in this department). Hopefully there will be a decent sequel with more of the same.

tl;dr: killer fish, boobs, and bros getting eaten. it's hilarious - 9/10

PREDATORS (2010) - Get to da sequel!!!!11!!111!

When I first read the news about a new sequel in the Predator franchise being made, I'll admit that I considered buying a pump-action shotgun and wreaking havoc on whoever it was that thought it was a good idea to make yet another damn shitty rip-off. The original Predator was a classic 80s action film. It was a fantastic mix of action, suspense and sci-fi. The way that the film seamlessly moved from standard shoot-em up fare (let's demolish a small Latin American country) into a thrilling man vs. monster stakeout (Holy shit Batman, an invisible monster is skinning Arnold's team) in the jungle made for great viewing. Sadly, the sequels that followed were plain and simple bullshit. Predator 2 was just terrible. The Alien Versus Predator series has been shitty to the max as well, and I thoroughly expected this new flick to be a steaming pile of wasted celluloid.

Most of these guys probably wont make it...

So I was surprised when about half an hour into Predators, I realized it wasn't half as bad as I feared it would be. Sure, there's no way in hell Adrien Brody could ever replace the likes of Schwarzenegger and it's cliched to hell, but the vibe is there. The movie goes back to the roots of what made the first flick so good. It puts the emphasis back on the humans fighting the Predators. It puts them smack dab into the claustrophobic jungle right from the beginning and has them rely on each other to survive. It's also got a decent cast, with the likes of Danny Trejo (as a Tijuana drug cartel assassin) and Oleg Taktarov (carrying the enormous Minigun) alongside other faces you've probably seen in other stuff. One of my favorites was the death row inmate (perfect casting with Walter Goggins), who at one point  in the movie shanks a Predator while yelling "DIE, SPACE FAGGOT!"

I double dare you to go prod that tied up Predator. Do it brah!

Take a second and go over that last line again. I was snacking on some delicious pizza while watching it and nearly choked from laughing when I heard it. The story is just enough to keep the audience interested, but in a guilty pleasure movie like this, it's the action and suspense that has to keep things flowing. The first half hour was for me the best, as the team of mismatched goons makes their way around the alien planet and gets attacked by a few new creatures. However, there's something I can't stand in movies like this, and it's revealing everything in regards to the creatures.

Morpheus holding an alien gat. Your mind = BLOWN.

You can go the Aliens route, and have the things on screen all the time, but the action and pacing has to be perfect, which in this case it isn't. Or you can be smart and keep the audience guessing by showing the Predator in brief, brutal glimpses. The movie drops the ball in this area, but what the hell. Predators may not be perfect, but at least it's a breath of fresh air for a franchise that had been shafted and given donkey balls since the original came out in the 80s. You can sense the hand of Robert Rodriguez behind the scenes. This is the guy behind Machete, Sin City and other great guy flicks. He knows what makes a badass movie tick, and we can be thankful that it was him and not some ass like Uwe Boll getting his hands on a great a franchise as Predator. If you're a fan of the original, definitely watch it. If you're in the mood for some good-natured monster killing, WATCH IT.

tl;dr: finally a decent Predator sequel that doesn't blow monkey balls. 7/10 and worth a watch.

MACHETE (2010) - Mexico's Citizen Kane

If you have seen the trailer for Machete, and you still haven't made up your mind to go watch this film, you ought to check carefully to see if you lost your balls somewhere. Seriously, this movie fits the man movie description perfectly. Allow me to list the things that are right and proper in this film:

1. Danny Trejo is an ex-con, and he was in Heat, one of the best guy movies of all time.
2. The main character drives a motorcycle armed with two Miniguns and snarls a lot
3. Cheech Marin with shotguns
4. Lindsay Lohan dressed up as a nun shooting a machine gun
5. Steven Seagal plays a Mexican drug kingpin complete with thick accent. READ THAT AGAIN.

Best Supporting Actor 2010 - Cheech Marin as the Mexican bandit priest

Does this movie have problems? Sure it does. The story is ridiculous. A bearded asshole (played by Jeff Fahey) hires Machete to assassinate a racist senator (Robert De Niro, wondering when he became too old to give a damn) in the midst of a political stand off about illegal immigrants. De Niro is in cruise control throughout the movie, looking like he's cashing a paycheck and wants to Audi up out of there ASAP. Jessica Alba was put in there for her shower scene (yeah) and Michelle Rodriguez plays the same character in all of her movies. Lindsay Lohan walks around mostly naked throughout the entire movie, so there's that.

Shit just got real, son.

WHO CARES? It doesn't matter, and I'll tell you why. Near the middle of the film, Machete is shot and taken to a hospital. He's being treated when a group of racist thugs busts in to take him out. He goes on to decapitate most of them, and makes a quick getaway by jumping out a window holding on to one of the guy's intestines.

You should watch this movie. Go watch it in theaters if you still can. You won't be disappointed. If  you can stand the constant MeXiCoOO StrONggGG!!!!!! barrage and shit about immigration doesn't bother you, it'll be a good time. Or you could wait for it on Blu-ray and watch it drunk, in which case you'd enjoy it over 9000 times more.