ALIEN VS. PREDATOR (2004) - Making aliens boring.

I remember the first time that I was genuinely scared out of my wits by a movie. As a 12 year old, I'd already seen all sorts of scary movies, but there's only so many times you can see a masked guy slashing teenagers before it loses its shock value. Then I saw Alien one night on cable TV and even with my dad sitting alongside, Ridley Scott's masterful horror flick scared me shitless. I also remember the first time I saw Predator, and as a 4th grader, seeing Arnold and the Predator beating the crap out of each other blew me away. Both of these were classic movies with great creatures, and it's no wonder that they've spawned several sequels. It's too bad that aside from Aliens, none of the sequels even came close to matching the greatness of the original movies.

Nothing is sacred anymore.

The imaginatively named Alien vs. Predator opens with  millionaire industrialist Charles Weyland (Lance Henriksen) putting together a team of scientists to investigate a subterranean pyramid structure detected under the ice on an Arctic island by one of his satellites. Weyland hires Woods (Sanaa Lathan) to serve as guide for the team, who reluctantly accepts the offer. They arrive at the location and find a bunch of abandoned buildings, and to their amazement, a huge shaft drilled into the ice at a perfect 30 degree angle. Unknown to them, the hole was blasted into the ice by a Predator space ship orbiting around the Earth, as the creatures get suited up to join the party.

Where's Ripley or Dutch when you need them?

The humans soon realize that the pyramid is in fact an ancient temple used for a Predator hunting ritual. Every so often, the Predators would visit Earth and hunt aliens and whoever else was stupid enough to go inside the temple. They must try and make their way out of the pyramid and ensure that none of the aliens reach the surface, while at the same time avoiding the Predators. If the story sounds supremely retarded, well... that's because it is. Directed and written by Paul W.S. Anderson, the guy who butchered the Resident Evil franchise and made maybe one good movie, means that AvP was doomed from the beginning. It's plagued with bad dialogue and worst of all, weak action. There are a few good parts, but unfortunately most of them are lines or ideas lifted right out of the original flicks.

At least the Predators are still badass...

If you're going to make a movie with forgettable characters that nobody cares about, then it better have some great action to make up for it. In AvP, every action scene was apparently filmed on days when the guys who set up the lighting were off drinking at the pub. They're dark, muddled, and it's just about impossible to see the action clearly. All those neat, well-detailed creature designs and the expensive sets are wasted thanks to the shitty camera work, with shots that are either too dark, too close up, or cut too quickly. That being said, the aliens and the Predators are very well done, with smooth CGI and the always cool Predator heat vision being used to good effect. There's obvious production value in these areas. As cool as the creatures are, there really are no scares in the entire movie except for some cheap jump scares. The attempts at creating tension are laughable, most of the acting (aside from the great Lance Henriksen) is piss poor, and the ending left me wondering if I should laugh or cry at its cheesiness.

...never mind.

Alien vs. Predator has accomplished something very difficult in the world of movies. It's not that it managed to kill not one, but two great franchises with its ridiculously stupid premise and crap execution. Oh no. Even worse. It made two of science fiction's most exciting series seem boring and dull. The film's only saving grace is that it runs a merciful 100 or so minutes and that we get to see Predators killing off nearly the entire cast of dimwitted characters. From now on, I'll pretend these stupid versus movies were never made, and just watch the originals instead. Spare yourself the time and forget this movie.

TL;DR -Boring, inane mash-up that will ruin your childhood memories - 3/10

PREDATORS (2010) - Get to da sequel!!!!11!!111!

When I first read the news about a new sequel in the Predator franchise being made, I'll admit that I considered buying a pump-action shotgun and wreaking havoc on whoever it was that thought it was a good idea to make yet another damn shitty rip-off. The original Predator was a classic 80s action film. It was a fantastic mix of action, suspense and sci-fi. The way that the film seamlessly moved from standard shoot-em up fare (let's demolish a small Latin American country) into a thrilling man vs. monster stakeout (Holy shit Batman, an invisible monster is skinning Arnold's team) in the jungle made for great viewing. Sadly, the sequels that followed were plain and simple bullshit. Predator 2 was just terrible. The Alien Versus Predator series has been shitty to the max as well, and I thoroughly expected this new flick to be a steaming pile of wasted celluloid.

Most of these guys probably wont make it...

So I was surprised when about half an hour into Predators, I realized it wasn't half as bad as I feared it would be. Sure, there's no way in hell Adrien Brody could ever replace the likes of Schwarzenegger and it's cliched to hell, but the vibe is there. The movie goes back to the roots of what made the first flick so good. It puts the emphasis back on the humans fighting the Predators. It puts them smack dab into the claustrophobic jungle right from the beginning and has them rely on each other to survive. It's also got a decent cast, with the likes of Danny Trejo (as a Tijuana drug cartel assassin) and Oleg Taktarov (carrying the enormous Minigun) alongside other faces you've probably seen in other stuff. One of my favorites was the death row inmate (perfect casting with Walter Goggins), who at one point  in the movie shanks a Predator while yelling "DIE, SPACE FAGGOT!"

I double dare you to go prod that tied up Predator. Do it brah!

Take a second and go over that last line again. I was snacking on some delicious pizza while watching it and nearly choked from laughing when I heard it. The story is just enough to keep the audience interested, but in a guilty pleasure movie like this, it's the action and suspense that has to keep things flowing. The first half hour was for me the best, as the team of mismatched goons makes their way around the alien planet and gets attacked by a few new creatures. However, there's something I can't stand in movies like this, and it's revealing everything in regards to the creatures.

Morpheus holding an alien gat. Your mind = BLOWN.

You can go the Aliens route, and have the things on screen all the time, but the action and pacing has to be perfect, which in this case it isn't. Or you can be smart and keep the audience guessing by showing the Predator in brief, brutal glimpses. The movie drops the ball in this area, but what the hell. Predators may not be perfect, but at least it's a breath of fresh air for a franchise that had been shafted and given donkey balls since the original came out in the 80s. You can sense the hand of Robert Rodriguez behind the scenes. This is the guy behind Machete, Sin City and other great guy flicks. He knows what makes a badass movie tick, and we can be thankful that it was him and not some ass like Uwe Boll getting his hands on a great a franchise as Predator. If you're a fan of the original, definitely watch it. If you're in the mood for some good-natured monster killing, WATCH IT.

tl;dr: finally a decent Predator sequel that doesn't blow monkey balls. 7/10 and worth a watch.