HARD TO KILL (1990) - Classic Seagal revenge movie

As stupid as it may sound, I actually have a soft spot for Steven Seagal, as anyone who visits my blog would probably notice seeing as how I go out of my way to watch his flicks, which most people tend to avoid. Most of his films, okay... nearly all of his films rate highly on the crap factor, but in the '90s the guy had a decent enough run that ended with his biggest hit ever, Under Siege, which everyone seems to remember for the random topless scene rather than for its outrageous villains and good share of hilarious lines. Hard to Kill is probably his second best movie, and holds a special place in my heart for being my first Seagal flick. Aside from a truly terrible poster, it's really not that bad at all.

Mason Storm (Steven Seagal) is a badass detective working a major corruption case, and as the movie kicks off, he's snooping around a Mob meeting, trying to collect some evidence for an arrest. He gets video implicating some important government official ordering an assassination, but he's spotted and chased off. Storm calls his partner back in the office and tells him about what went down. Unknown to both of them though, two corrupt cops are on the other line listening in. Storm heads home, but not before managing to  interrupt a store robbery, beat four Mexican punks senseless, and pick up some champagne for the missus without breaking a sweat.

Family man by day, Aikido ass-kicking machine by night.

At home, he stashes the evidence he collected and gets into bed with his hottie wife. Displaying a very bad sense of timing, a bunch of goons bust through his bedroom door right as he's about to get some sexy time with the wife, and shoot them both, killing his wife and leaving Storm in terrible shape. They also manage to blast Storm's partner as well, and as Storm is wheeled into the hospital, he's pronounced dead. Storm is hard to kill though (get it, get it?), and has in fact fallen into a coma. Only one of Storm's friends in the department knows the truth, and keeps quiet about it.

Kelly LeBrock? More like... Kelly LeHot.

A few years later, Storm miraculously wakes up from his coma, no doubt motivated by the fact that his nurse Andy is played by the babetastic Kelly LeBrock. He pleads with the hospital staff to get him out of there, and soon enough word gets out of his recovery. The bastards who betrayed him realize he's alive and send more assassins to take him out. Storm has to save himself, and before long, he'll be building up his strength to kick some ass, save his long-lost son and get his hard-earned revenge. His main enemy is a well-known Senator, Vernon Trent (William Sadler), who has half the city's police department in his pocket and will stop at nothing to kill Storm once and for all.

Martial arts are good. Guns are better.

As usual, you get what you expect from Seagal movies. Acting should be the least of concerns in these, but aside from Seagal himself, everyone else in this one is pretty much terrible. Sadler plays a decent bad guy, and Kelly LeBrock is hot enough that it's easy to ignore the fact she cant deliver a single convincing line. The rest of the thugs are laughably bad, but truth be told it all just adds to the cheese factor that makes Hard to Kill a classic Seagal flick. The story is original enough that it stands out from most of the crap that Seagal has filmed over the years, and the action is top notch, with some memorable kills.

Open wide, pal!

Hard to Kill is definitely one of Seagal's best movies, even if it never quite matches the fun factor of Under Siege. It lacks a good, memorable villain, and is mostly predictable. It does have decent pacing, scattered comedy and classic Seagal action sequences which make for an entertaining movie. It's not high art, that much is obvious, but in the realm of manly, no-frills action films, it's good enough to merit a watch.

Best scene: Mason finds the guy who shot his wife, stabs a pool cue through his throat, and kicks him in the face while delivering his best line... (below)

Best quote: "That was for my wife! Fuck you and DIE!"




TL;DR - Not even a 7-year coma can stop Seagal from avenging his wife's death - 6/10

UNDER SIEGE 2: DARK TERRITORY (1995) - Seagal's back

I always had a soft spot for Steven Seagal despite all the crap he's gotten over the years about his poor acting and his refusal to cut off that stupid ponytail. His big break, which would also turn out to be his only really good action movie, was 1992's Under Siege. I loved that one as a kid, and it remains a guilty pleasure of mine. After the success of the movie, a sequel was inevitable. Unfortunately, Under Siege 2 lacks a lot of the stuff that made the first flick such a fun action movie, and was is mostly a rehash of tired ideas.

Family vacations are never dull when Seagal is your uncle.

Immediately after the opening credits, we see the Air Force is testing out a secret new satellite. After trying out the super high-resolution cameras by zooming in on a sunbathing chick's boobs, the generals seem pleased with their new weapon's abilities. Our hero Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal) has retired from the Navy and has decided to take his niece Sarah (Katherine Heigl), whose parents were killed in a plane crash, on a cross country train trip to take her mind off things. Of course things go terribly wrong, and a team of terrorists hijack their train almost immediately and start killing off passengers and crew. The gang is Travis Dane (Eric Bogosian), the guy who originally built the satellite and was later scorned by the government.

Dane - one of the most boring and most annoying villains of the 90s.

After faking his own death, he now plans to blackmail the government with his satellite baby. It turns out that the sat is in fact a space weapon capable of creating earthquakes, and Dane shows he's the real deal by starting a quake in China. The government is helpless since as long as the train is mobile, they can't track Dane's signals. Fortunately for America and the good guys, Casey Muthafucking Ryback is on the train, and he won't be having any of Dane's shenanigans. Casey takes it upon himself to make sure that he rescues his niece and delivers some much needed punishment to the terrorists.

The albino henchman was a nice touch. Note the bad guy from The Mask behind him.

As far as acting is concerned, with Seagal you get what you see. Every line is delivered in his trademark half-whispered style and since he does most of his talking with his fists, it's not all that bad. After watching this movie, I'm convinced that Under Siege 2 is Katherine Heigl's most memorable work, since just about everything else she's done is even worse than this flick. As far as ass kicking is concerned, Seagal delivers as usual. He stabs, shoots, throat punches, chokes and groin kicks legions of terrorist baddies without breaking a sweat or ruffling his ponytail.

Look closely: that's Seagal face-kicking a dude off a moving train.

He delivers an impressive amount of violence and some memorable kills. My personal favorite being during the finale when he shuts a helicopter door on an unlucky S.O.B. hanging on for dear life, slicing off his fingers as he falls into a blazing inferno below. Classy stuff. And speaking of bad guys, Dane's crew is a real bunch of assholes. They happily murder anyone they see fit, and do evil things like tell crying babies to shut up, throw people off of moving trains, interrupt sex scenes, and even shoot a guy's boom box. Dane himself isn't really a memorable villain (aside from the fact that he sounds like Tom Bergeron), which is a shame since the first movie had the great Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey villains.

Epic Seagal finishing movie incoming.

The dialogue is laughably bad at times, and most of the movie's attempts at one liners fall pretty flat. The movie's only saving grace is the fact that Seagal lays down some serious ass kicking throughout the movie. Again, nothing really memorable, but it's passable. You can't really say the same of most of Seagal's later movies. Compared to some of those, Under Siege 2 is a gem but that's not saying much. Stick with first one.

TL;DR - Typical Seagal action but without the first one's fun factor - 5/10

UNDER SIEGE (1992) - Steven Seagal's first (and last) great movie

I think it's safe to say that Steven Seagal movies are somewhat of an acquired taste, like chopped liver, driving Oldsmobiles, taking a dip in Tijuana hotel swimming pools, and sipping Four Loko with dinner. Growing up as a kid raised in the 90s, I was lucky since it was in this decade that Seagal's career reached its peak (however brief it actually lasted). My parents were pretty cool at the time, seeing as how they let me join in on watching those glorious R-rated action movies on weekends, and about the only off-limits things were the gratuitous, bouncing titty scenes or the really gory stuff, and as a result, I've seen just about every Seagal movie ever made. I think I can safely say that Under Siege is by far the best flick he's ever made, and it might be the only one really worth watching.

Can't have a Seagal movie without brutal knife fights.

The USS Missouri is one of the last battleships in the US Navy, and she's about to be retired out of service. The President has decided that the ship's nuclear missiles will be removed before her decomissioning, so the ship departs on her last voyage from Pearl Harbor to California. Aboard the Missouri is Chief Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal), who works as a cook in the ship's galley, is good friends with the Captain, and one of the most popular guys on the boat, as evidenced by the fact that he has dance-offs with the other galley crew. Also aboard the battleship is Commander Krill (Gary Busey), an officer who hates Ryback and is an overall asshole. Krill orders Ryback to stop cooking and clear out the galley, since he is bringing food and entertainment by helicopter for a surprise birthday party for the ship's Captain. Ryback gets suspicious, and ends up punching Krill in the face, which leads to Krill locking him up in the meat freezer.

Gary Busey + Playboy playmates =  the winning formula for 90s action movies.

The helicopter arrives, bringing a rock band, caterers, and "Miss July '89" Jordan Tate (Erika Eleniak) for the party. Soon enough, all hell breaks loose when members of the band and caterers start killing officers on the ship. The band is actually a gang of ex-CIA mercenaries, led by William Stranix (Tommy Lee Jones). Stranix and Krill, working together, are planning to steal the nuclear Tomahawk missiles, smuggle them out via submarine, and sell them off to the black market. To make sure no one interferes with their plan, Krill shoots the Captain, and sends men to kill Ryback as well. It's too bad for Krill though, since Ryback ain't just a cook: he's an ex-Navy SEAL who enjoys stabbing dudes and loves building bombs, booby traps and all sorts of other wicked shit. Ryback escapes and sets off to save the day. He finds a new partner in the half naked Jordan, (who pops out of a birthday cake with glorious boobage exposed, of course), and they then have to deal with plenty of Stranix's mercenaries, stop the nuclear annihilation of Hawaii, and survive plenty of knife fights.

Tommy Lee Jones is hilarious as the deranged Stranix.

What undoubtedly makes Under Siege better than all the other Seagal movies is the supporting cast, which is outstanding. You couldn't have picked a better duo than Gary Busey and Tommy Lee Jones to play unhinged psychopaths and have an end result as satisfying and entertaining. These two guys made this movie - you hardly notice Seagal's and Eleniak's stiff acting, or the flimsy plot, since Stranix and Krill are such fun characters. A lot of action movies take themselves too seriously and end up as $1.99 bargain bin fillers. Under Siege follows the Die Hard formula (hey, if you're gonna copy someone, copy from the best) pretty well, mixing some comedy between the shootouts, fist fights and assorted macho moments.

Gary Busey dressed as a woman. His best work to date.

This flick is one of the best pure action movies of the 90s, and has aged pretty well all things considered. Yeah, it's a Die Hard clone. So what? It's an example of how to make a good derivative movie. If you only see one Steven Seagal movie in your lifetime, make sure it's Under Siege.

TL;DR - Steven Seagal's only good movie & classic 90s action flick - 8.5/10