SHAFT (2000) - Can you dig it?

Samuel L. Jackson taking over the character of hard-boiled detective and suave ladies man John Shaft from Richard Roundtree is pure exploitation glory. No, scratch that. It's cinematic justice. Detective John Shaft is working the beat when he's called to the scene of a brutal bar fight. A young black dude got punched half to death by a racist prick named Walter Wade (Christian Bale), who turns out to be the spoiled son of a multimillionaire. Shaft looses his cool when Wade mocks the dying black guy, and punches him out in front of the TV cameras. As a result, Wade is let out on bail Shaft is reassigned to some backwater duty.

"Say WHAT one more time!" Oh wait...

 Two years later, while running drug busts, Shaft butts heads with a drug kingpin named Peoples Hernandez (Jeffrey Wright). At the same time, Shaft and his crew nab Wade after he shows up in New York after fleeing the country on bail. Wade and Peoples meet while in jail, where they strike up an uneasy sort of arrangement. Wade is let out on bail again, but after leaving the lockup, he hires Peoples to kill the last remaining witness that could put him away the assault at the bar - the bartender Diane (Toni Collette). Shaft is pissed off that Wade's been allowed to walk free, he quits the police force and vows to make sure Wade gets what he deserves.

Christian Bale's Walter Wade is one of the greatest douchebags to ever grace the screen.

Shaft is classic B-movie, exploitation material that only works because of Sam Jackson. One of my friends loves this movie, but complains that Sam Jackson just plays himself in every movie, but in this case it really doesn't matter: Jackson was born to play this role. There's no other actor alive that could have pulled off this role convincingly. Jackson is the man - the one liners, the insults, the body language, the wardrobe, and attitude - he just nails it.

The one and only Peoples.

Jeffrey Wright and Christian Bale are on great form too. Wright as Peoples is perfect. I've talked to so many people who've saw Shaft a decade ago and the thing everyone remembers is how hilarious Peoples is. His accent and mannerisms have to be seen to believed; Wright is a total chameleon. Bale as Wade the racist, spoiled asshole is also great. He's channeling plenty of American Psycho into his performance and he makes it so hard not to hate Wade. Watching Peoples and Wade trade verbal jabs at each other made the movie for me.

No such thing as too much swagg for Shaft.

Shaft is a total guilty pleasure. It's trash elevated to classic action movie material by some great, over the top performances, a bitching soundtrack, and some decent action. You could watch a movie a day for the rest of your life and you'd have a hard time finding another movie as quotable as this one. Wade, Peoples and Shaft himself have so many great lines it's tough keeping track of all of them. Credit is due to the writers for being faithful to the vibe of the original without straying into self-parody, and for finding a fun balance between comedy and action.

Best scene: The apartment gunfight & the car chase that follows is solid stuff.

Best line: There's way too many good ones to choose from. All of Peoples' lines are great. "Tiger Woo... I laik heem."


TL;DR - Kick back and watch Sam Jackson lay down the motherf*cking law - 7.5/10

HARD TO KILL (1990) - Classic Seagal revenge movie

As stupid as it may sound, I actually have a soft spot for Steven Seagal, as anyone who visits my blog would probably notice seeing as how I go out of my way to watch his flicks, which most people tend to avoid. Most of his films, okay... nearly all of his films rate highly on the crap factor, but in the '90s the guy had a decent enough run that ended with his biggest hit ever, Under Siege, which everyone seems to remember for the random topless scene rather than for its outrageous villains and good share of hilarious lines. Hard to Kill is probably his second best movie, and holds a special place in my heart for being my first Seagal flick. Aside from a truly terrible poster, it's really not that bad at all.

Mason Storm (Steven Seagal) is a badass detective working a major corruption case, and as the movie kicks off, he's snooping around a Mob meeting, trying to collect some evidence for an arrest. He gets video implicating some important government official ordering an assassination, but he's spotted and chased off. Storm calls his partner back in the office and tells him about what went down. Unknown to both of them though, two corrupt cops are on the other line listening in. Storm heads home, but not before managing to  interrupt a store robbery, beat four Mexican punks senseless, and pick up some champagne for the missus without breaking a sweat.

Family man by day, Aikido ass-kicking machine by night.

At home, he stashes the evidence he collected and gets into bed with his hottie wife. Displaying a very bad sense of timing, a bunch of goons bust through his bedroom door right as he's about to get some sexy time with the wife, and shoot them both, killing his wife and leaving Storm in terrible shape. They also manage to blast Storm's partner as well, and as Storm is wheeled into the hospital, he's pronounced dead. Storm is hard to kill though (get it, get it?), and has in fact fallen into a coma. Only one of Storm's friends in the department knows the truth, and keeps quiet about it.

Kelly LeBrock? More like... Kelly LeHot.

A few years later, Storm miraculously wakes up from his coma, no doubt motivated by the fact that his nurse Andy is played by the babetastic Kelly LeBrock. He pleads with the hospital staff to get him out of there, and soon enough word gets out of his recovery. The bastards who betrayed him realize he's alive and send more assassins to take him out. Storm has to save himself, and before long, he'll be building up his strength to kick some ass, save his long-lost son and get his hard-earned revenge. His main enemy is a well-known Senator, Vernon Trent (William Sadler), who has half the city's police department in his pocket and will stop at nothing to kill Storm once and for all.

Martial arts are good. Guns are better.

As usual, you get what you expect from Seagal movies. Acting should be the least of concerns in these, but aside from Seagal himself, everyone else in this one is pretty much terrible. Sadler plays a decent bad guy, and Kelly LeBrock is hot enough that it's easy to ignore the fact she cant deliver a single convincing line. The rest of the thugs are laughably bad, but truth be told it all just adds to the cheese factor that makes Hard to Kill a classic Seagal flick. The story is original enough that it stands out from most of the crap that Seagal has filmed over the years, and the action is top notch, with some memorable kills.

Open wide, pal!

Hard to Kill is definitely one of Seagal's best movies, even if it never quite matches the fun factor of Under Siege. It lacks a good, memorable villain, and is mostly predictable. It does have decent pacing, scattered comedy and classic Seagal action sequences which make for an entertaining movie. It's not high art, that much is obvious, but in the realm of manly, no-frills action films, it's good enough to merit a watch.

Best scene: Mason finds the guy who shot his wife, stabs a pool cue through his throat, and kicks him in the face while delivering his best line... (below)

Best quote: "That was for my wife! Fuck you and DIE!"




TL;DR - Not even a 7-year coma can stop Seagal from avenging his wife's death - 6/10

BRICK (2005) - A high school crime story

Director Rian Johnson's debut Brick was released to good acclaim in 2005 when it picked up a few prizes, good reviews and then dropped off the radar for many movie fans. I fortunately came across it while on a film noir kick after re-watching one of my favorites, L.A. Confidential. Starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt before he hit the jackpot with Inception, with a sharp script and a rich atmosphere drawing on inspiration from film noir mystery movies of the past, Brick was a very welcome surprise.

Brendan just doesn't know when to give up.

High school senior Brendan (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) receives a mysterious phone call from his estranged ex-girlfriend Emily (Emilie de Ravin) pleading for help. The desperate, confusing call ends abruptly when Brendan is buzzed by a threatening, speeding muscle car. Brendan begins asking around for Emily at school and no one seems willing to help him. He slowly but surely begins to piece together tidbits of information gleamed from classmates and local dope fiends. With help from his friend and eccentric loner Brain (Matt O'Leary), Brendan investigates a drug ring which may have something to do with Emily's disappearance.

Drugs are bad for you.

A breakthrough leads a disheartened Brendan to Emily's dead body near a water tunnel. As he continues to dig deeper into her murder, he comes into contact with Pin, the local drug kingpin who runs a heroin operation in the city, and his various thugs. Brendan also stumbles into an uneasy relationship with the popular Laura, whose motivations are less than clear. Without giving any more of the plot away to avoid spoiling anything, Brendan will soon realize that he has put himself into a dangerous situation that is quickly threatening to overwhelm him. Drugs, violence, betrayal and deceit all intertwine to hinder Brendan's investigation.

Ally or femme fatale? In Brick, nothing is what it appears.

 This flick is proof that you don't need big names and a big budget to make a damn good movie. The strength of the movie is in the story, which unravels at a leisurely pace while keeping you interested and building tension throughout. Rian Johnson gets the best out of his limited cast, especially with Joseph Gordon-Levitt who nails it as the stubborn, fast talking and resourceful Brendan. Brendan is a memorable character, as is Pin, whose scenes give the movie some welcome comic relief at times (the scenes in his kitchen and basement are hilarious) and yet still manages to seem convincing as a cold, calculating drug lord.

Running a drug empire from Mama's kitchen - like a boss.

The score is subdued but effective, and the lighting and atmosphere is jut gorgeous and gives the movie a gritty vibe that makes it all the more enjoyable. If you're in the mood for a good detective story and can look past some of its quirks, especially some of the obscure slang, Brick hits the spot. It can drag a bit at times and if the deliberate pacing annoys you, it might not be your cup of tea, but it is otherwise an enthralling, exciting crime yarn with some memorable scenes.

TL;DR - Slick crime story meets film noir meets suburbia - 7.5/10

POINT BLANK (1967) - A masterful Lee Marvin revenge flick

What's there to be said about Lee Marvin that hasn't been said before? The man was a true screen legend, and starred in some of the best action movies to be put to celluloid. He made a career out of playing steely, tough guys in movies like The Dirty Dozen, The Killers, Hell in the Pacific and classic Westerns like The Professionals. 6 foot 2 inches tall, a deep voice that rivaled Darth Vader on his best strep throat days, a fondness for huge Smith & Wesson revolvers and with a body count that makes natural disasters jealous, it was no wonder that he was cast as Walker in this 1967 neo-noir crime thriller. Point Blank is somewhat of a cult classic that has gotten better with time and has been copied by countless other action movies since its release.

"Knock, knock. Who's there?" IT'S LEE MARVIN!

Criminally-inclined Walker (Lee Marvin), his wife Lynne (Sharon Acker) and one of his lifelong  friends Mal Reese (John Vernon) plan and execute a heist in San Francisco, stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars during a money exchange at Alcatraz prison. As they are making good their escape, Reese betrays Walker, shooting him several times, taking Lynne with him and leaving the wounded Walker to die in the abandoned prison. Much to our viewing pleasure, Walker is a tough son of a bitch, since he survives and makes his way off the island. After some hallucinations, and flashbacks of his happier times with Lynne and Reese, Walker immediately begins planning his revenge. Walker will stop at nothing to find Lynne and Reese, kill Reese and get back his share of the loot: $93,000.

1960s vintage Angie Dickinson - yum.

Walker meets up with a guy named Yost, who has information about the people he's after. Apparently, Reese had betrayed Walker in order to pay off a huge debt he owed to a gang of high-class criminals that goes by the name "The Organization." Intent on finding that backstabbing bastard, Walker heads to Los Angeles, where he breaks into Lynne's new house, but Reese is nowhere to be found. Depressed and knowing that Walker will never forgive her, Lynne kills herself with an overdose of prescription pills. Their betrayal has made Walker indifferent to anyone's suffering but his own. He leaves Lynne lying on the ground and goes off to find Lynne's sister Chris (Angie Dickinson), who is supposedly Reese's new girl. Chris turns out to be more helpful than Walker thought. She agrees to help him and together they set out to find Reese. Revenge is the only thing in Walker's mind, and may God have mercy on whoever gets in his way.

Reese betrayed Walker, shot him, took his money and his girl. Yeah, you're f*cked pal.

Lee Marvin played badasses and tough guy roles throughout his career, but he was born to play Walker. Quiet, strong, violent and determined, Walker is a force of nature as he rampages through Los Angeles on his quest to get back his money. Angie Dickinson does a good job with her character as a contrast to Walker's emotionless granite demeanor. The script is tight and simple, and John Boorman's direction is amazing. The movie incorporates techniques and motifs that were relatively unknown at the time and uses them to tell Walker's story in a visually dazzling manner. Point Blank ends up becoming a no-frills revenge thriller with a career-defining role for Marvin, while at the same time breaking new ground in the action genre. My gripes? I didn't find John Vernon's acting all that good, which didn't detract from any joy at seeing Walker beat the living crap out of him though. The musical score is also a bit of an acquired taste at times, so be warned.

Walker just wants his $93,000. You better hope you don't get in his way.

It's not hard to see why Point Blank is regarded as an underrated classic. Lee Marvin in the role of his life, a simple yet convincing story, a gorgeous 1960s California setting, and a heavy dose of noir action and grit. This movie would later be remade in the 90s as Payback, starring Mel Gibson, but it was far from being as good as this one. Point Blank is a classic, with a forceful Lee Marvin and beautiful Angie Dickinson at the top of their game, and not to be missed.

TL;DR - Hard-boiled revenge thriller and a colossal Lee Marvin - 9/10

FAST FIVE (2011) - Saving the best for last

The original Fast and the Furious was a slick if terribly cheesy action movie that kicked off the whole street racing rage back in the early 2000s. Suddenly, every middle school kid started to dream about owning a rice rocket Honda or Toyota and imagined themselves drag racing outside of their school to impress that one chick that ignored him everyday in 4th period science. It made a star out of Vin Diesel, and made bucket loads of cash. Unfortunately for the series, it turned out a bunch of completely crap sequels, which went from bad to worse and only now in this latest one do we get a good flick to enjoy. I groaned when I read they were making Fast Five, but after seeing the trailers I started to wonder if they might have finally made a goddamn decent movie after all. And sure enough, they've managed to make what is in this Guy Movie Blogger's opinion the best movie in the series.

Everybody's back.

The movie opens with a sensational set piece with Dom Toretto (Vin Diesel - in case you've been living under a rock) getting busted out of a jail bus and making his way to Rio de Janeiro, where he reunites with his sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) and his buddy, ex-cop turned criminal Brian (Paul Walker). In need of some cash to avoid the authorities, they take on a job stealing some high-priced cars from a high speed train. Aboard the train they're joined by a some shady Brazilians, but the job quickly goes bad when they discover DEA agents are aboard the train. The Brazilians go crazy and kill all three agents, and try to kill Dom and Brian. After escaping with a Ford GT that the Brazilians were particularly keen on getting their grubby hands on, Dom and Brian find a special GPS chip in the car. The chip contains a list of safe-houses used for storing $100 million in drug money belonging to the ruthless Reyes (Joaquim de Almeida) who basically runs Rio. After Reyes threatens to kill Mia, and now being blamed for the deaths of the three DEA agens, Dom and Brian decide to rob the safe-houses and get the hell out of Rio.

Whenever The Rock is on screen, expect people to get their shit ruined.

While Toretto plans the heist, the DEA sends Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson - The Rock), their best agent to capture Toretto and his gang. He is joined by  local hottie cop Elena (Elsa Pataky), who Hobbs considers one of the few trustworthy Brazilian cops. Hobbs is no joke - the guy is built like a freaking woolly mammoth, drives a f*cking tank, and won't take shit from anyone. Back at their hideout, Brian and Dom have rounded up a new crew with some familiar faces from the earlier movies: smooth-talker Roman (Tyrese), computer whiz Tej (Ludacris), hot Jewish chick Harabo (Gal Gadot), driver Han (Sung Kang) and two random Puerto Ricans who I didn't recognize. The rest of the movie sees them try and figure out how to steal the cash from under Reyes's nose while avoiding Hobbs and his team of agents.  At the same time, Toretto's gang might also be forced to deal with threats from inside their own group.

Steroid sales have gone up 500% after Fast Five was released.

I think it doesn't really need to be said that people don't flock to the latest Fast and Furious sequel expecting to see Oscar caliber acting, but rather good action and plenty of adrenaline-filled stunts. But compared to the absolutely terrible sequels that came before Fast Five, this one has everyone at the top of their game, which was pretty surprising. Vin Diesel was born to play the role of Dom Toretto (and Riddick) and Walker does a decent job. The standout without a doubt is Johnson who nails his part as the badass Hobbs. He eats up all the scenes, drops one-liners like it's going out of style and he seems like he's having an absolute blast. He and Vin have a great beast mode fight scene that had made me giddy like a ten year old as they smashed through walls and generally beat the living shit out of each other. Everyone is in on the joke - Fast Five is ridiculous, why not just embrace it and have fun with it?

Gal Gadot + Jordana Brewster. YUMM.

 The story and plot has been done to death a million times, and except from a few twists near the end, it's all pretty predictable stuff. Good guys steal from bad drug kingpin, blah blah blah. It doesn't really matter though, since almost from beginning to end, Fast Five is basically a 2 hour chase scene that never lets up. The action scenes are flat out the craziest shit I've seen all year, and very thrilling to watch once you accept it for the brainless fun that it really is. By far the best is the 30 minute long final heist racing through downtown Rio de Janeiro at breakneck speed, with everything from shootouts, cop cars getting smashed by a giant bank vault, buildings exploding, jumps, etc. It's gloriously reckless, a little stupid, violent, fast paced, brilliantly shot and very, very fun. It's absolutely bonkers.

DAT FINAL HEIST SCENE.

It's no surprise that the ending sets up the movie for yet another sequel, but whereas before I would've been aching to blow up the studio responsible for cinematic turds like Tokyo Drift, I actually have some hope for the next one if they manage to go back to basics like this flick has and if they get The Rock back. The dude has single handedly brought the series back to decent ground.Fast Five is a perfect popcorn action movie, check your brain at the door and enjoy it. That last heist scene is worth the admission all by itself. Also, make sure you pay attention after the credits for a sneak peek at where they'll probably go with the next sequel.

TL;DR - The best movie in the series is also the best action movie so far this year - 8.5/10

STRIKING DISTANCE (1993) - Willis, serial killers, and boats

As a huge action movie addict, it's no surprise I'm a big Bruce Willis fan. I think Die Hard might be the best action movie of all time, and most of Willis' other movies are pretty cool too and he's rightly regarded as one of the all-time classic movie tough guys. He beats people senseless, gets hammered drunk, shoots at least twenty guys per movie and always has great one-liners. That being said, I had never heard of Striking Distance before this week. No one ever recommended it to me, I never saw it on T.V., never even saw it on a Blockbuster shelf. So while cruising Imdb.com I saw it listed in Willis' filmography, so I figured, what the hell, it was probably worth a watch and set out to find a copy.

Just cruisin' with pop.

Tom Hardy (Bruce Willis) is a veteran cop with a big problem. He testified in a police brutality case against his partner, who just happens to be his psychotic cousin Jimmy DeTillo (Dennis Farina). Hardy comes from a family of police officers, with his father, uncle and two cousins serving as officers in the Pittsburgh police department. After Jimmy is found guilty of police brutality, every cop in town turns against Tom, considering him a traitor and a rat for selling out one of their own. In midst of all of this, Tom has been investigating a series of grisly murders of young girls by a killer known as the Polish Hill strangler. The investigation is going nowhere, with very few leads, but Tom believes that the killer is definitely a cop because of the way he always manages to stay several steps ahead of the police.

Sarah Jessica Parker is surprisingly hot as a cop. It's the uniform.

Driving to a police function with his father, they respond to an emergency call claiming the Polish Hill serial killer has been spotted. They join the high speed chase of the subject, nearly killing themselves several times and finally end up ramming the killer off the road, smashing both the cars in the process. Tom passes out, and wakes up to find his leg torn to shit and his father dead of a gunshot, with the killer nowhere in sight. After recovering from his injury, he's transferred out of the regular force and sent to the River Rescue unit as punishment for questioning the Polish Hill investigation. Tom is assigned a new partner, Jo Christmas (Sarah Jessica Parker), who he dislikes at first.

Meet Jimmy: Tom's psychotic, police-brutality loving cousin.

It's not long before more bodies start to show up in the river, and now it's apparently become personal, because all of the victims are women that Tom knew in the past. Tom and Jo begin to investigate the murders, and Tom becomes suspicious of Danny DeTillo (Tom Sizemore), his cousin and brother to the dead Jimmy, who dropped out of the force and has a lot of bad blood with Tom. Despite the  fact the police force hates his guts, Tom digs deeper into the murders and begins to doubt the official story about his father's killer, the identity of the Polish Hill serial killer, and the fact that his uncle and cousin might not be all the seem to be.

Little known '90s fact: cars could fly.

Even though Striking Distance might sound like it's got a complicated plot, it really doesn't. The story is pretty predictable, and I guessed the big plot twist near the end really early in the movie. Basic story aside, most of the characters aren't really interesting. Tom is a classic Bruce Willis cop character, with drinking problems, bad relationships with women, etc. Sarah Jessica Parker mostly just fills the love interest role and looks good in her dress or underwear. The villain, who I won't reveal even though the reveal is pretty obvious, isn't that good either. The best parts of the movie are undoubtedly when the action kicks in: the car chases and boat chases are good stuff, really frantic and some slick camera work. Surprisingly, the gun play is kind of low level for a 90s action flick, but what little there is makes up for it. Any music there might have been was totally forgettable.

The classic Bruce Willis shooting face!

Striking Distance is a basic action movie which doesn't even come close to matching the Die Hard series of awesomeness. The plot drags along and there just aren't enough thrills to make up for a weak story and even weaker cast apart from Willis and Sarah Jessica Parker. I enjoyed it, but wouldn't go out of my way to watch it again. It's just not that good.

TL;DR - Tries and fails to match Die Hard's excitement. Not bad, but not good either - 5/10

TANGO & CASH (1989) - So bad, it's actually good.

 
The buddy cop film reached glorious heights in the 1980s. This awesome decade for action movies saw stuff like 48 Hrs and Lethal Weapon hit the big screen, movies which were true classics of the genre. On the lower end of the scale is this flick, Tango & Cash, starring two of the biggest '80s stars at the peak of their fame, Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell, and a whole bunch of other faces you might recognize. Tango & Cash might not be amongst the best action flicks of all time, but it's got enough so-bad-it's-good moments and '80s cheesiness that it works out pretty well.

THAT just happened.

There must be a law against starting a Stallone movie in dull fashion. Remember Cliffhanger, where the dude's just chilling up on a rope hanging thousands of feet up in the air while flexing his muscles? That was a good opener. Demolition Man starts out with an apocalyptic Los Angeles in flames while Sly guns down criminals and does somersaults and flips in cargo pants. Another good one. Or maybe Rambo III, where the movie kicks off with our favorite Italian Stallion beating the crap out of some poor Thai dude with a stick. True to form, Tango & Cash has the impeccably dressed Detective Ray Tango in a Cadillac chasing down drug-dealers using a fuel truck to smuggle cocaine. Tango shows the audience how badass he truly is by playing chicken with the truck and forcing the drug runners to be ejected from the moving truck's windshield using just his rugged good lucks and a tiny revolver.

Mullet? Check. Enormous, over-compensating gun? Check.

While Tango is the rich, polished cop who's on the job for the thrills, Detective Cash (Kurt Russell) is just the opposite. He's the street smart average Joe. He dresses like a hobo, eats old pizza, and instead of using a pee-wee sized gun, he uses a revolver the size of a battleship cannon, with a huge laser pointer on top. Why? Because it's the 80s. That shit was cool back then. Cash and Tango are rivals, each trying to out do the other with bigger busts and more arrests. While their little contests is going on, the city's criminals are feeling the butthurt from losing all that coke and money. Drug boss Yves Perret (Jack Palance) is losing a good deal of coin every time the hot shot cops make a bust, so he comes up with a plan to frame them both for murder, and get rid of them once and for all.

Is it just me or are 80s movies kinda homo-erotic?

After investigating a lead at a warehouse, Tango and Cash fall into the trap placed by Perret and get framed for murdering some drug-dealing jerkoff. Some cops who've been bought off by Perret and the mob help to lock them both up, and after taking a plea bargain with the judge, they're sent to jail for a year or so. After the obligatory prison shower scene, and a prison riot or two, they both realize they won't last a year in the slammer since half the prisoners are in there because of their arrests. Cash gets a buddy on the inside to help them bust out, and along with Tango they start planning their revenge on the mob.

Out of nowhere: A SUPER MINIVAN FROM HELL!

Obviously the story isn't this movie's strongest point. I'm sure that back when Tango & Cash came out, it was the shit: big star power, a ridiculous techno soundtrack, and snappy one liners. Nowadays, it's pretty dated, which is strange since some movies even older than this one have aged much better. Maybe it's the number of plot holes which make no sense at all, which is pretty hilarious to be honest. For example, the end of the movie ends up looking like something out of a Twisted Metal or Vigilante 8 game, when Tango and Cash get a pimped out minivan with rocket launchers, machine guns, and they blow up the mob's hideout. The dialogue is actually the saving grace for this movie. It's SO bad, the lines SO cheesy and the one-liners SO ridiculous that it just becomes great fun to wonder just what the hell they'll say next.

Maybe Stallone and Russell were in this one for the paycheck, but it's undeniable that they were having a blast while doing it. There's nothing serious to be found in Tango & Cash. You might actually feel stupider after watching it, but you won't be able to say you didn't have a great time. This is a stupid, funny, brainless action movie. Grab a beer, some pizza and celebrate the fact that mullets have long gone out of style.

TL;DR - Stallone. Russell. One-liners. Terrible techno music. It's a cult classic! - 7/10

S.W.A.T. (2003) - Proof that Samuel L. Jackson makes anything better

Back in the '70s there was a slick cop show called S.W.A.T. that starred Steve Forrest and Robert Urich as a pair of badass cops kicking ass and taking names. It was a pretty decent show, but what really stood the test of time was that bitching theme song (see end of the review). I dare anyone to try and find a theme song more '70s sounding than this one. It just makes you want to grab an assault rifle, hop over some fences, drive that big ass van really fast with the sirens blaring, and take down some criminal scum. It only took thirty something years for Hollywood to make an adaptation of the show, and it came out in 2003's inventively named S.W.A.T.

Street and Gamble shoot a hostage and they get shitcanned. There's no reset button in real life.

The movie opens with a thrilling shootout scene similar to the bank robbery in Heat, with a couple of masked dudes spraying AK-47s all over the place and taking hostages at a bank. SWAT is called in, and the action focuses on two cops, Officers Street (Colin Farrell) and Gamble (Jeremy Renner) as they sneak into the bank against orders, and end up shooting most of the robbers. Gamble being the hotshot prick that he is, shoots a guy holding a woman hostage, the bullet going through her shoulder before killing the bad guy. Immediately after the raid, Street and Gamble are told their SWAT careers are basically over. Gamble is hugely pissed off, and feels betrayed by both the department and his partner Street. He quits, while Street remains on the force working in the gun storage.

Gather round, children.

Shortly after, SWAT gets a new boss: Sergeant Hondo (Samuel L. Jackson), an old-school cop with a reputation for being a real hardass. Hondo is offered to take over SWAT, but he insists on picking his own team. He recruits Street, and has him join the new outfit, which includes Deacon (LL Cool J), Sanchez (Michelle Rodriguez) and TJ (Josh Charles). Almost right after they finish training, Los Angeles turns into a warzone when some French drug lord named Montel (Olivier Martinez) is captured, and the LAPD prepares to send him off to prison. Montel, in a usual dick move, announces he'll pay anyone who busts him out of jail $100 million bucks. With L.A. being L.A., armed gangs start planning to bust Montel and nab that reward. It's then up to Hondo's team to make sure the French sleazeball gets to prison and keep Los Angeles from being demolished.

That French guy has a funny accent. He must be a murderer.

As far as action movies go, S.W.A.T. isn't half bad. It's got a likeable cast, especially Sam Jackson who is always fun to watch, and Farrell and Renner are good at playing off each other. Michelle Rodriguez plays her usual tomboy role and is good at it, while LL Cool J just blurts out random one liners and shows off his abs a few times. The story is about as simple as they get, and you'll probably see the big twist at the end coming from a mile away. That's not to say it's not a fun ride. The action sequences are all very well shot and thankfully have none of that lame shaky camera that directors have hard ons for these days. There's a cool scene near the end with a jet, a bridge and a limo that is probably the highlight of the flick, and most of the action seems pretty believable.

Achievement Unlocked.

S.W.A.T.'s not a great action movie, but it's not a bad one either. A good cast and some nice action pieces can't make up for the weak story, but at least it has the charisma factor going for it. You can tell from most of the performances that no one is really playing it straight and the aim is basically for a fun popcorn flick, and in that they succeed. It's good enough for a lazy weekend, and in a world were we get a flood of Twilight movies every year, that's good enough for me too.

Without further ado, and in all its old school glory:




TL;DR - SWAT cops in L.A. shoot half the gang population and fight a Frenchman - 6.5/10

FASTER (2010) - The Rock is angry. Very angry.

When I was in middle school, wrestling was just about the coolest thing in existence. If you had cool parents, you got to watch it on TV, and all my friends played the WCW or WWF games on Playstation and N64. And The Rock was by far the most popular wrestler at my school. One would've never thought for a minute that the guy could become a successful actor, seeing as how the range of his acting skills seemed to be limited to doing the People's Eyebrow. But he proved us doubters all wrong. The dude has made millions of dollars by starring in mostly shitty action movies like The Rundown and the god awful Doom. Then he inexplicably started doing Disney movies, with 6 year olds as co-stars. I figured that all those chokeslams and kicks to the head  finally made him lose his marbles. It's a good thing though, to see that he finally realized that he was put on this earth to entertain us by punching people's face in and speaking as little as possible when on screen. Faster focuses on these two points, and the result is a surprisingly decent action flick.

I don't know what's scarier. The .454 Ruger, or the shape of The Rock's head.

 Our protagonist is known simply as "Driver." We learn from a series of flashbacks that the Driver has been serving a long stretch in jail after a botched bank robbery, which left his brother dead and most of his crew scattered. All this time in jail, he's been planning his revenge and simmering in rage, knowing that the bastards that double crossed him and killed his brother are all living free and enjoying life. Back to the present, and we see the Driver has been released from prison, and like you'd expect, saying he's angry would be an understatement. He's fucking pissed. Our boy makes his way out of jail, and jogs over to a junkyard where he finds a nice gift package from a friend waiting for him. A bitchin' Chevelle coupe with an enormous revolver in the glove compartment and a list of names: the people that betrayed him and killed his brother.

Carla, you can scowl at me anytime you want.

The Driver drives to his first target, a guy working as a telemarketer. He strolls right up to him and shoots him in the head once, in plain view of all the guy's co-workers and leaving a nice security camera image for the police. The cops respond, and an unnamed veteran detective (Billy Bob Thornton, the movie calls him "Cop") is assigned to the murder investigation alongside another detective named Cicero (Carla Gugino, looking hot as usual), who resents having the drug-addicted Cop on her case. Together they begin to try and put the puzzle together of the Driver's seemingly random killings. At the same time, we're introduced to the Killer (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) - an egotistical, image-obsessed assassin who drives Ferraris, boasts an English accent and has a smoking hot girlfriend. The Killer has been hired by one of the Driver's potential victims. The ex-con, the hitman and the cops are eventually put on a collision course that will result in plenty of violence, mayhem and general destruction.

The real co-star in the movie.

The Rock (or Dwayne, whatever) was born to play roles like this. His range is pretty limited, but you don't need serious acting chops when the role requires you to aim a hand cannon at people and look angry 99% of the time. His performance is good, since he does little talking and lets the fists and revolver do the talking. It works well. It's a revenge action movie, not To Kill a Mockingbird. Billy Bob does a decent job as well as the drunk, shady cop and Gugino fills her scenes nicely. The real letdown is the assassin. He is the worst thought out character in movies this year. Absolutely stupid in just about everything he says and does; every scene the movie spends on this supposed killer is a waste of film. Faster would've been a leaner, better movie without the guy. It's too bad.

Worst. Movie. Assassin. EVER.

Faster is a no-frills revenge flick that is good for a watch and then becomes quickly forgettable. The Rock does a good job of kicking ass and the story is just adequate enough to keep the film moving along, but don't expect to be talking about it a few years down the road with some friends. It is a good step up for Dwayne's career though., since these are the kinds of movies he should be focusing on, not crap about tooth fairies and Witch Mountains. He's finally found his balls back.

TL;DR - The Rock is back to hurt people. Good for him, and for us. - 6/10

ANIMAL KINGDOM (2010) - Australians are a shady bunch.

Depending on the kinds of movies you're into, you might have heard about Australian director David Michôd's crime/family drama before it got all the positive buzz during the current awards season. If so, then good for you. Go grab yourself a cookie and pat yourself on the back. You've confirmed your good taste in films. If you haven't heard a peep about the movie, then consider yourself lucky - Animal Kingdom is one of the best movies of 2010 and you'll be able to see it without any spoilers whatsoever.

Being a teenager is hard. Having a family full of murderers and drug dealers doesn't help.

Based on true events, Animal Kingdom is centered on Joshua "J" Cody (newcomer James Frecheville), a teenager facing the challenge of growing up in one of the most notorious criminal families in Australia. The film opens with the death of his mother, as J explains to the paramedics that his mom took one heroin shot too many. Left with nowhere to go, J telephones his grandmother Janine "Smurf" Cody, who assures him everything will be alright, and invites him to stay at her home. Janine (Jackie Weaver) is matriarch of the Cody family, which includes her three sons: Darren (Luke Ford), who's about the same age as J, drug-dealing Craig (Sullivan Stapleton), and the oldest and most unstable of the bunch, Pope (Ben Mendelhson). Pope is a psychopath, pure and simple, wanted by the police on several charges. Sometimes, family just isn't all its cracked up to be.

Janine - part time grandma, full time murdering, conniving bitch.

J is initially welcomed by his uncles and grandmother, and does his best to settle in and become part of the family. He spends a lot of time with his girlfriend, and finds a role model of sorts to look up to in Baz Brown (Joel Edgerton), Pope's best friend and partner in crime. Baz is almost like another brother to the Cody boys, but has been looking forward to moving away from the criminal business and going clean by investing in stocks. He does his best to help the young J to adapt himself to the wild, difficult lifestyle that the Cody family goes through on a daily basis. Baz meets up with Pope at a supermarket, where he tells him of his plans, while a nervous Pope thinks his options over. The police are all over him, and it's clear that the pressure has been making an already unstable person even more dangerous. Baz makes his way to his car when he is ambushed and shot in cold blood by police. Pope sees the shooting and runs back home, knowing that the cops were looking for him in the first place.

Guy Pearce is about the only actor in this flick most Americans will recognize.

The tension in the family finally explodes, as Pope and Darren come up with a plan to avenge Baz's death. They order J to steal a car and leave it a few blocks away, knowing that the police will respond once it's been called in. When two officers arrive on the scene, Pope and Darren come out from the shadows and murder them. Events spiral out of control, as police arrive to investigate the killings and start interrogations. Suspicions within the family start to simmer, as no one knows where J's allegiance lies, especially after Officer Leckie (Guy Pearce) takes a special interest in J's case and begins to genuinely fear for the kid's safety.

Pope enjoys long walks on the beach, the Beatles, and killing people.

The cast, which aside from Guy Pearce is probably unknown in the U.S., is mesmerizing. Jackie Weaver got an Oscar nomination for her role, and if you stick around to watch the entire movie, it'll be clear why. Her character is evil personified, and that's all I'll say without giving any spoilers. Everyone else does an outstanding job, including Frecheville who has to play the innocent, troubled J in a role that relies so much on his co-stars. The real stand out is the story, though. It's unpredictable, gritty, keeps the viewer guessing, and for my liking, one of the best of the year.

By the time the end credits roll, Animal Kingdom will have thrown several twists and some fantastic scenes at the screen. The pacing is kind of slower than most American movies, but there is a wicked intensity throughout the whole movie that never seems to let down. My main criticism would be the tendency to use music and slow motion too much during parts, which only serves to add melodrama when none is really needed. Some of the accents might be a bit hard to understand as well, but it'd be a tiny nitpick of an otherwise fantastic movie.

TL;DR - Aussie kid tries to survive his evil family. No kangaroos in this one. - 9/10