S.W.A.T. (2003) - Proof that Samuel L. Jackson makes anything better

Back in the '70s there was a slick cop show called S.W.A.T. that starred Steve Forrest and Robert Urich as a pair of badass cops kicking ass and taking names. It was a pretty decent show, but what really stood the test of time was that bitching theme song (see end of the review). I dare anyone to try and find a theme song more '70s sounding than this one. It just makes you want to grab an assault rifle, hop over some fences, drive that big ass van really fast with the sirens blaring, and take down some criminal scum. It only took thirty something years for Hollywood to make an adaptation of the show, and it came out in 2003's inventively named S.W.A.T.

Street and Gamble shoot a hostage and they get shitcanned. There's no reset button in real life.

The movie opens with a thrilling shootout scene similar to the bank robbery in Heat, with a couple of masked dudes spraying AK-47s all over the place and taking hostages at a bank. SWAT is called in, and the action focuses on two cops, Officers Street (Colin Farrell) and Gamble (Jeremy Renner) as they sneak into the bank against orders, and end up shooting most of the robbers. Gamble being the hotshot prick that he is, shoots a guy holding a woman hostage, the bullet going through her shoulder before killing the bad guy. Immediately after the raid, Street and Gamble are told their SWAT careers are basically over. Gamble is hugely pissed off, and feels betrayed by both the department and his partner Street. He quits, while Street remains on the force working in the gun storage.

Gather round, children.

Shortly after, SWAT gets a new boss: Sergeant Hondo (Samuel L. Jackson), an old-school cop with a reputation for being a real hardass. Hondo is offered to take over SWAT, but he insists on picking his own team. He recruits Street, and has him join the new outfit, which includes Deacon (LL Cool J), Sanchez (Michelle Rodriguez) and TJ (Josh Charles). Almost right after they finish training, Los Angeles turns into a warzone when some French drug lord named Montel (Olivier Martinez) is captured, and the LAPD prepares to send him off to prison. Montel, in a usual dick move, announces he'll pay anyone who busts him out of jail $100 million bucks. With L.A. being L.A., armed gangs start planning to bust Montel and nab that reward. It's then up to Hondo's team to make sure the French sleazeball gets to prison and keep Los Angeles from being demolished.

That French guy has a funny accent. He must be a murderer.

As far as action movies go, S.W.A.T. isn't half bad. It's got a likeable cast, especially Sam Jackson who is always fun to watch, and Farrell and Renner are good at playing off each other. Michelle Rodriguez plays her usual tomboy role and is good at it, while LL Cool J just blurts out random one liners and shows off his abs a few times. The story is about as simple as they get, and you'll probably see the big twist at the end coming from a mile away. That's not to say it's not a fun ride. The action sequences are all very well shot and thankfully have none of that lame shaky camera that directors have hard ons for these days. There's a cool scene near the end with a jet, a bridge and a limo that is probably the highlight of the flick, and most of the action seems pretty believable.

Achievement Unlocked.

S.W.A.T.'s not a great action movie, but it's not a bad one either. A good cast and some nice action pieces can't make up for the weak story, but at least it has the charisma factor going for it. You can tell from most of the performances that no one is really playing it straight and the aim is basically for a fun popcorn flick, and in that they succeed. It's good enough for a lazy weekend, and in a world were we get a flood of Twilight movies every year, that's good enough for me too.

Without further ado, and in all its old school glory:




TL;DR - SWAT cops in L.A. shoot half the gang population and fight a Frenchman - 6.5/10

3:10 TO YUMA (2007) - Batman, Maximus, and the Old West.

Westerns don't really get much love these days, which is sad considering that it's one of the classic movie genres and for decades a reliable supplier of much on-screen badassery and general mayhem. It's understandable in a way, since the typical Western lends itself well to slower pacing and methodical storytelling. Also, after watching Clint Eastwood's Unforgiven, you'd think there wasn't any reason to make another western again. Truth is, the last decade has seen a bit of a comeback for this type of movie, mostly as remakes. 2010 had the Coen brothers try their hand at a remake of sorts with True Grit, and back in 2007 we were treated to a good, old fashioned Western with 3:10 to Yuma (remake of a 1957 flick), which features, like any movie set in the Old West ought to, plenty of fightin', murderin', thievin', and drinkin'.

I bet  y'all didn't know Batman could build time machines...

Dan Evans (Christian Bale/Bruce Wayne) is a poor son of a bitch. He lost a leg in the Civil War while fighting for the Union. He lives with his wife and two sons on a modest farm in Arizona, has plenty of unpaid debts, his younger son is sick, and his oldest kid and wife don't really think much of him. The film opens with some local hoodlums, working for a wealthy landowner to who Dan owes money, burning down the family's barn,  destroying most of the feed for the family's cattle, and condemning them to starvation. The next day Evans takes his boys with him to try and round up their cows, when they accidentally come across a bloody robbery on a stagecoach by the notorious Ben Wade (Russell Crowe).

A Gatling gun in the first ten minutes. Always a great sign.

Wade and his ruthless, deranged right hand man Charlie Prince (Ben Foster) have just knocked over an armored stagecoach belonging to a railroad company, and defended by Pinkerton guards. Among them is the veteran Byron McElroy (Peter Fonda), who has been chasing Ben Wade and his boys for quite a while. As they stumble upon the scene of the robbery, Wade's gang notices Evans and his boys on the ridge, and inform them that they best be on their way and forget what they saw, or else.

In the nearby town of Bisby, and while the rest of his gang is away, Wade is captured by the local sheriff. Haasty arrangements are made to make sure that Wade is sent off to jail at once, where he'll surely be executed. The only problem is that Wade's gang is due back in town any minute, and they sure as hell won't be too happy to see their boss in shackles. Another problem? The sheriff doesn't have enough men to safely transport Wade. Evans steps up and offers his help, in exchange for $200 in order to help pay his debts. Evans leaves his boys at home, telling them to care for the farm and their mother. The terms are agreed and the crew sets out to make sure they get Wade on the titular 3:10 train to Yuma at all costs.

Charlie (Ben Foster) is a psychopath. The weird ginger beard gives him away.

In no time at all, the rest of the gang, now led by Charlie, realize Wade has been captured and immediately start chasing the group. With only a few trained shooters, a wounded Pinkerton, and a local veterinarian (Alan Tudyk, of Firefly and Serenity fame), Evans and his group have incredibly hard odds ahead of them. To make things worse, Evans' oldest son William tags along despite his father's orders, and they've all got no choice but to continue. A race to the finish ensues, with Wade's crew of blooded killers hot on their heels and plenty of hurdles ahead of them, as they face tough terrain and Indian ambushes.

Every Western needs a bar scene were ethanol is ingested by the gallon.

The first time I saw 3:10 was a great experience. I hadn't seen such an enjoyable Western since Unforgiven, and this flick is all that a modern take on this classic genre should be. It pulls no punches with its violent content and the lifestyle it depicts. There's no glamor or finesse about the way these bastards conduct their business. The acting is great on all parts, with a strong Bale performance and the dependable Crowe putting his own trademark on his role. The standouts were without a doubt Ben Foster as the batshit insane Charlie Prince, who is every bit a murderous psychopath as you'd expect from the guy, and Peter Fonda as McElroy, the experienced old gun who's done it all and seen it all. What else is there to say about the movie that wouldn't be better explained by watching it? The scenery is fantastic, the music fitting and the story holds up well enough to keep the running time flashing by.

3:10 to Yuma is a rare treat. It's a good modern Western, of which there are few, and even as a pure action movie it holds up remarkably well. One of Bale's best roles, with compelling action and a thrilling finale. Even the opening with its fast paced stagecoach hold up is great stuff. If you haven't seen 3:10, you're missing out on one hell of a movie. Watch it, and you won't regret it. If you're in the mood for the genre, or you have an unexplained Christian Bale obsession like my sister, you owe it to yourself.

TL;DR - Bale. Crowe. Fonda. Foster. Six shooters. Chases. Shootouts. The Old West. What the hell more could you ask for? - 9/10

THE ITALIAN JOB (2003) - Marky Mark and the Thieving Bunch

Everyone loves a good heist flick. If someone ever tells you they don't, they are liars or they hate life in general. In any case, stay away from them and find normal friends. Anyways, the 1960s and 70s were a great time for old fashioned caper movies, and one of the best of the bunch was The Italian Job, which starred Michael Caine and involved a pretty awesome series of chases through Venice. The 2003 movie is inspired by it, but has a new plot and characters, and is a stand up action movie in its own right. Also, it's got Charlize Theron in it and she's looks pretty hot throughout the whole thing. It didn't take much else to convince me to choose this as my next review.

Why do I love this movie? Here's a clue: it starts with Charlize and ends with Theron

The movie opens with a shout out to the original flick, with a scene in Venice, as veteran thief and safe-cracker John Bridger (Donald Sutherland) calls his daughter back in the U.S., telling her he's in Italy for one last job. John meets up with his crew of thieves, led by Charlie Croker (Mark Wahlberg) and they prepare for a heist involving a huge amount of gold bricks. The team includes getaway driver Handsome Rob (Jason Statham), computer nerd Lyle (Seth Green), explosives pyromaniac Left Ear (Mos Def) and con man Steve (Edward Norton). They get their hands on the gold and they make their way out of the city on speedboats and meet up later to celebrate. The celebrating doesn't last long however, when they're betrayed by a jealous and greedy Steve, who pops a cap in John and makes off with the gold stash, leaving the others for dead in a frozen lake.

Every good heist movie needs its share of witty banter.

Charlie and his gang obviously start planning their revenge on that asshole Steve. To get back their stolen gold, which Steve is sure to keep in a safe, Charlie goes to recruit John's daughter Stella (Charlize Theron), who is a master safe-cracker herself. She agrees to take on the job to avenge her dead father, and the crew gets back to work, scoping out Steve's new mansion and planning to break into his security system. Steve being the bastard that he is, is still very much convinced Charlie and his buddies are dead and is trying hard to sell off his gold.

Yes, I did just add another picture of Charlize into the review. Haters gon' hate.

The gang's first attempt to break into Steve's house and crack his safe goes wrong after Steve wises up and recognizes Stella as the late John's daughter. Charlie is forced to go back to step one and a get a new plan, which will eventually end up including a 400-pound obese Samoan dude, an awesome car chase throughout Los Angeles in tricked out Mini Coopers, explosions, a lot of Jason Statham's scowling, the Russian mafia, etc.

Mini Coopers. Mini Coopers EVERYWHERE.

The original 1969 movie had a lot of comedy alongside its caper story, and was a damn good watch. This Italian Job follows the same formula. It never takes itself too seriously and instead keeps the action moving breezily and uses its cast to good effect. Wahlberg is decent, Charlize is hot, Mos Def's annoying level is at an all-time low, Seth Green has some funny lines, and Statham, as usual, is damn hilarious. Edward Norton always does a great villain too, even if Steve is not exactly one of his best roles. He's more of a tremendous douchebag than a criminal mastermind, but in keeping with the tone of the flick it works well.

It's my blog, and I'll post as much Charlize as I want.

I doubt there's many people that haven't already seen it, but if you're out there, and you've been living under a rock with no cable or Netflix, it's worth a watch.

TL;DR - Marky Mark makes robbing people look so easy, you'll want to do it too - 7.5/10