TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - Bigger and better

Michael Bay gets a lot of crap about the way his movies all seem alike as well as his massive use of explosions and special effects. Whether you like his films or not, it's pretty clear to see that Bay is exactly the guy needed to direct a franchise based on a children's TV show about giant, transforming robots that come to wreak havoc on Earth. With Transformers, there really isn't any other way to approach other than just making the biggest, loudest, most visually dazzling picture that budget will allow, and he's done just that with the latest in the series. Anyone paying for a $20 IMAX ticket to Dark of the Moon and expecting to see a great screenplay and fantastic acting should have learned their lesson a while ago.

Any guy who says he wouldn't want to have Optimus Prime's voice is lying.

This time around, Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) has moved in with his new girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), replacing poor Megan Fox and her weird toe thumb. Sam has been having trouble adjusting to his life out of college, since he's out of a job and no one seems to be giving him any respect. The Autobots, still led by Optimus Prime, are now working for the government and kicking terrorist ass worldwide in order to keep the world safe, but things don't stay rosy for too long. Optimus learns that the humans had discovered an Autobot ship on the dark side of the Moon during the Apollo landings. The Autobots investigate and find the Ark, a ship belonging to an Autobot stashed inside the ship named Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy).

Louis Stevens: humanity's last hope for survival.

Optimus rescues and revives Sentinel Prime, who informs them that the Decepticons are after a powerful technology called the Pillars, and that they must not get their hands on it. Sam offers his services to the government after witnessing a Decepticon attack on a co-worker at his new job, and is there to witness as Sentinel Prime betrays the Autobots. It's revealed Sentinel had a secret pact with the Decepticons, and after he kills Ironhide, he helps the Decepticons to plan and pull off an invasion of Earth by transporting huge armies through time and space to win the war once and for all, and enslave the human race. Things get a bit more complicated as we learn that the Decepticons may in fact have some human allies helping them on Earth, willing to betray their own kind.

Watching Bay turn Chicago into a war zone is the best part of the movie.

 Weak story and wooden acting aside, you have to hand it to Michael Bay: the guy knows how to make a bitching popcorn movie. Transformers looks absolutely amazing. It's incredible to see the kind of sharp, life-like CGI that $195 million will buy. The robots themselves are great to look at, and the battle scenes are even better. The Decepticon invasion and attack is insane: whole city blocks are demolished with enormous explosions, with hundreds of planes, vehicles, people and robots sharing the screen in a spectacular orgy of synchronized destruction on an epic scale. There's a slick freeway chase scene that's amongst the best scenes in the movie, while the long final battle in which most of Chicago is turned to rubble is so wickedly entertaining that it is without a doubt a series highlight.

When in doubt, cast a former Victoria's Secret model.

 Bay has also cut down a bit on the ridiculously quick cuts from the first movie that made it nearly impossible to see just what the hell was going during action scenes. He's replaced most of that nonsense with slow motion instead, and while it's still annoying, at least you now have a clearer look at the action. Fantastic visuals aside, Dark of the Moon falls short in the same areas like the previous flicks, although this one enjoys a better cast thanks to good turns by John Malkovich, Frances McDormand and the always hilarious John Turturro. Firefly favorite Alan Tudyk and The Hangover's Ken Jeong have brief, weak cameos. Dark of the Moon is a much more enjoyable movie than the first two however, since Bay focuses more time on the action and less on the basically half-assed attempt at story, and keeps things moving briskly.

Poor Tyrese and Duhamel get less screen time than the annoying Mexican Transformer.

It's a movie made to be watched and enjoyed in 3D, make mountains of cash at the box office, and keep you interested enough to make you shell out the $20 to watch the inevitable sequel. If you accept it for what it is, and look past the obvious flaws, it can be an enjoyable movie. Bay knows the secret to putting asses in seats: amazing visuals, having Shia LeBeouf scream at the top of his lungs every 10 minutes, comedic one-liners from expendable characters, and slow-motion panning shots of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's ass as she climbs stairs in her underwear. If you're not watching it on the big screen in all it's 3D glory, you're missing the point.

TL;DR - Better cast and better action make this the best Transformers movie yet - 6/10

THE HANGOVER 2 (2011) - This time... it's in Thailand

I loved the original Hangover. After having to wade through tons and tons of unfunny "comedies" and endless Judd Apatow movies, The Hangover was a pretty fresh movie that made a huge star out of the fat & bearded Zach Galifianakis. It also made heaps of cash at the box office, which wasn't surprising since it was damn funny. A lot of R-rated comedies settle for gross out humor and raunchy stuff to get laughs, and although The Hangover wasn't above making bodily fluid jokes and waving exposed weiners around, the bulk of the movie just had hilarious dialogue and a great cameo from Mike Tyson. Now the sequel is here, and I fully expected another hilarious romp filled with drunken debauchery and all that.

The Wolfpack is back, but this time, they've added an Asian. Hooray for diversity.

The movie opens a few years after the events of the first flick. Stu (Ed Helms) has left his mean bitch fiance from the first movie and is now engaged to a lovely Thai chick, who he plans to marry in a few days. Despite his concern, his buddies Phil (Bradley Cooper), Alan (Galifianakis) and Doug (Justin Bartha) convince him to party it up a bit before the wedding. Unfortunately, his fiancee's brother comes along with them, a Stanford med student named Teddy (Mason Lee). Even worse for Stu is the fact that his future father-in-law adores his son Teddy but absolutely hates Stu. That night, the guys have a campfire out on the beach and have a few beers, and of course we know what's waiting for them in the morning...

"What should we do for the sequel? Let's shave Alan's head. WHAT A LAUGH."

Alan, Stu and Phil wake up with a massive hangover (surprise, surprise) in a shitty hotel room in the middle of a sprawling city. Alan's head has been shaved bald, Stu has a Mike Tyson tatoo on his face and Phil is back to being his foul mouthed asshole self. Just as they're beginning to realize that they've royally screwed up again, they're attacked by a vest-wearing monkey. Phil also realizes that they've lost Teddy, and Alan finds a naked, passed out Mr. Chow lying on the ground. Chow wakes up and tells them they had a great night of drug fueled partying throughout Bangkok, and agrees to help them try and find Teddy. The crew sets out on their romp through the city which will see them face off with drug lords, transvestite hookers, a fat Paul Giamatti, and other assorted wonders.

Mr. Chow keeps the movie from being a catastrophe.

If you're reading this and wondering why I'm disappointed with this movie, let me explain. The Hangover was fresh and original and a lot of the humor came from the surprises that kept popping up throughout the movie, like Mike Tyson's cameo, or the photos during the credits, or the bare assed Mr. Chow leaping on people. The sequel tries so hard to be exactly like the first movie that it succeeds almost to a fault. It basically feels like you're watching the same movie again, except this time you know all the punchlines. It doesn't have the spark of the original, and most gags run on for longer than they should, and instead of having new jokes we get dumb stuff like more penises on the screen and more songs by Stu about spending a night with a Thai tranny. Crude can be funny, but crude isn't a substitute for funny. You'd think they would've learned this by now. Galifianakis does his best to keep the laughs coming, and he does a decent job, but everyone else just seems to be doing it by the book and it doesn't have nearly as much charisma as the first one. It just feels like a copy and paste job from the first movie and worse of all, it feels... tired.

The cast wondering where all the funny jokes went...

I loved the original Hangover, and I'll admit I was hoping for a sequel and for everyone to return. They did, but they forgot to bring their A-game this time, and it's a big let down. It's got plenty of laughs, no doubt. The frustrating thing is that this had a lot more potential and now I fear for the third movie which is no doubt already planned out. I'll be generous with the score seeing as how the drug-dealing monkey made me nearly piss my pants from laughing, but I'll deduct points for the trauma of seeing Paul Giamatti's waistline on-screen.

TL;DR - Almost a straight copy of the first Hangover, but without as many laughs - 5/10

FAST FIVE (2011) - Saving the best for last

The original Fast and the Furious was a slick if terribly cheesy action movie that kicked off the whole street racing rage back in the early 2000s. Suddenly, every middle school kid started to dream about owning a rice rocket Honda or Toyota and imagined themselves drag racing outside of their school to impress that one chick that ignored him everyday in 4th period science. It made a star out of Vin Diesel, and made bucket loads of cash. Unfortunately for the series, it turned out a bunch of completely crap sequels, which went from bad to worse and only now in this latest one do we get a good flick to enjoy. I groaned when I read they were making Fast Five, but after seeing the trailers I started to wonder if they might have finally made a goddamn decent movie after all. And sure enough, they've managed to make what is in this Guy Movie Blogger's opinion the best movie in the series.

Everybody's back.

The movie opens with a sensational set piece with Dom Toretto (Vin Diesel - in case you've been living under a rock) getting busted out of a jail bus and making his way to Rio de Janeiro, where he reunites with his sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) and his buddy, ex-cop turned criminal Brian (Paul Walker). In need of some cash to avoid the authorities, they take on a job stealing some high-priced cars from a high speed train. Aboard the train they're joined by a some shady Brazilians, but the job quickly goes bad when they discover DEA agents are aboard the train. The Brazilians go crazy and kill all three agents, and try to kill Dom and Brian. After escaping with a Ford GT that the Brazilians were particularly keen on getting their grubby hands on, Dom and Brian find a special GPS chip in the car. The chip contains a list of safe-houses used for storing $100 million in drug money belonging to the ruthless Reyes (Joaquim de Almeida) who basically runs Rio. After Reyes threatens to kill Mia, and now being blamed for the deaths of the three DEA agens, Dom and Brian decide to rob the safe-houses and get the hell out of Rio.

Whenever The Rock is on screen, expect people to get their shit ruined.

While Toretto plans the heist, the DEA sends Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson - The Rock), their best agent to capture Toretto and his gang. He is joined by  local hottie cop Elena (Elsa Pataky), who Hobbs considers one of the few trustworthy Brazilian cops. Hobbs is no joke - the guy is built like a freaking woolly mammoth, drives a f*cking tank, and won't take shit from anyone. Back at their hideout, Brian and Dom have rounded up a new crew with some familiar faces from the earlier movies: smooth-talker Roman (Tyrese), computer whiz Tej (Ludacris), hot Jewish chick Harabo (Gal Gadot), driver Han (Sung Kang) and two random Puerto Ricans who I didn't recognize. The rest of the movie sees them try and figure out how to steal the cash from under Reyes's nose while avoiding Hobbs and his team of agents.  At the same time, Toretto's gang might also be forced to deal with threats from inside their own group.

Steroid sales have gone up 500% after Fast Five was released.

I think it doesn't really need to be said that people don't flock to the latest Fast and Furious sequel expecting to see Oscar caliber acting, but rather good action and plenty of adrenaline-filled stunts. But compared to the absolutely terrible sequels that came before Fast Five, this one has everyone at the top of their game, which was pretty surprising. Vin Diesel was born to play the role of Dom Toretto (and Riddick) and Walker does a decent job. The standout without a doubt is Johnson who nails his part as the badass Hobbs. He eats up all the scenes, drops one-liners like it's going out of style and he seems like he's having an absolute blast. He and Vin have a great beast mode fight scene that had made me giddy like a ten year old as they smashed through walls and generally beat the living shit out of each other. Everyone is in on the joke - Fast Five is ridiculous, why not just embrace it and have fun with it?

Gal Gadot + Jordana Brewster. YUMM.

 The story and plot has been done to death a million times, and except from a few twists near the end, it's all pretty predictable stuff. Good guys steal from bad drug kingpin, blah blah blah. It doesn't really matter though, since almost from beginning to end, Fast Five is basically a 2 hour chase scene that never lets up. The action scenes are flat out the craziest shit I've seen all year, and very thrilling to watch once you accept it for the brainless fun that it really is. By far the best is the 30 minute long final heist racing through downtown Rio de Janeiro at breakneck speed, with everything from shootouts, cop cars getting smashed by a giant bank vault, buildings exploding, jumps, etc. It's gloriously reckless, a little stupid, violent, fast paced, brilliantly shot and very, very fun. It's absolutely bonkers.

DAT FINAL HEIST SCENE.

It's no surprise that the ending sets up the movie for yet another sequel, but whereas before I would've been aching to blow up the studio responsible for cinematic turds like Tokyo Drift, I actually have some hope for the next one if they manage to go back to basics like this flick has and if they get The Rock back. The dude has single handedly brought the series back to decent ground.Fast Five is a perfect popcorn action movie, check your brain at the door and enjoy it. That last heist scene is worth the admission all by itself. Also, make sure you pay attention after the credits for a sneak peek at where they'll probably go with the next sequel.

TL;DR - The best movie in the series is also the best action movie so far this year - 8.5/10

TANGO & CASH (1989) - So bad, it's actually good.

 
The buddy cop film reached glorious heights in the 1980s. This awesome decade for action movies saw stuff like 48 Hrs and Lethal Weapon hit the big screen, movies which were true classics of the genre. On the lower end of the scale is this flick, Tango & Cash, starring two of the biggest '80s stars at the peak of their fame, Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell, and a whole bunch of other faces you might recognize. Tango & Cash might not be amongst the best action flicks of all time, but it's got enough so-bad-it's-good moments and '80s cheesiness that it works out pretty well.

THAT just happened.

There must be a law against starting a Stallone movie in dull fashion. Remember Cliffhanger, where the dude's just chilling up on a rope hanging thousands of feet up in the air while flexing his muscles? That was a good opener. Demolition Man starts out with an apocalyptic Los Angeles in flames while Sly guns down criminals and does somersaults and flips in cargo pants. Another good one. Or maybe Rambo III, where the movie kicks off with our favorite Italian Stallion beating the crap out of some poor Thai dude with a stick. True to form, Tango & Cash has the impeccably dressed Detective Ray Tango in a Cadillac chasing down drug-dealers using a fuel truck to smuggle cocaine. Tango shows the audience how badass he truly is by playing chicken with the truck and forcing the drug runners to be ejected from the moving truck's windshield using just his rugged good lucks and a tiny revolver.

Mullet? Check. Enormous, over-compensating gun? Check.

While Tango is the rich, polished cop who's on the job for the thrills, Detective Cash (Kurt Russell) is just the opposite. He's the street smart average Joe. He dresses like a hobo, eats old pizza, and instead of using a pee-wee sized gun, he uses a revolver the size of a battleship cannon, with a huge laser pointer on top. Why? Because it's the 80s. That shit was cool back then. Cash and Tango are rivals, each trying to out do the other with bigger busts and more arrests. While their little contests is going on, the city's criminals are feeling the butthurt from losing all that coke and money. Drug boss Yves Perret (Jack Palance) is losing a good deal of coin every time the hot shot cops make a bust, so he comes up with a plan to frame them both for murder, and get rid of them once and for all.

Is it just me or are 80s movies kinda homo-erotic?

After investigating a lead at a warehouse, Tango and Cash fall into the trap placed by Perret and get framed for murdering some drug-dealing jerkoff. Some cops who've been bought off by Perret and the mob help to lock them both up, and after taking a plea bargain with the judge, they're sent to jail for a year or so. After the obligatory prison shower scene, and a prison riot or two, they both realize they won't last a year in the slammer since half the prisoners are in there because of their arrests. Cash gets a buddy on the inside to help them bust out, and along with Tango they start planning their revenge on the mob.

Out of nowhere: A SUPER MINIVAN FROM HELL!

Obviously the story isn't this movie's strongest point. I'm sure that back when Tango & Cash came out, it was the shit: big star power, a ridiculous techno soundtrack, and snappy one liners. Nowadays, it's pretty dated, which is strange since some movies even older than this one have aged much better. Maybe it's the number of plot holes which make no sense at all, which is pretty hilarious to be honest. For example, the end of the movie ends up looking like something out of a Twisted Metal or Vigilante 8 game, when Tango and Cash get a pimped out minivan with rocket launchers, machine guns, and they blow up the mob's hideout. The dialogue is actually the saving grace for this movie. It's SO bad, the lines SO cheesy and the one-liners SO ridiculous that it just becomes great fun to wonder just what the hell they'll say next.

Maybe Stallone and Russell were in this one for the paycheck, but it's undeniable that they were having a blast while doing it. There's nothing serious to be found in Tango & Cash. You might actually feel stupider after watching it, but you won't be able to say you didn't have a great time. This is a stupid, funny, brainless action movie. Grab a beer, some pizza and celebrate the fact that mullets have long gone out of style.

TL;DR - Stallone. Russell. One-liners. Terrible techno music. It's a cult classic! - 7/10

SLITHER (2006) - Comedy + horror = always a great mix

Take equal parts The Fly, The Thing, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, zombie movies, and countless other horror movie inspirations and what do you get? You get Slither.  James Gunn's movie is a hilarious throwback to some of the best of the cheesy B-movie horror flicks of the past, adding comedy into the fray and a good cast to boot. There's plenty of familiar faces and familiar plot points you'll probably see coming a mile away, but it won't change the fact that Slither is a very entertaining flick.

Starla has a problem: her husband eats wild animals and is apparently, an alien.

Slither begins with a meteor making its way into Earth's atmosphere, leaving a fiery trail across the sky as it lands on the outskirts of a small hick town in the middle of nowhere, unnoticed by two sleepy cops pulling an all night shift. The meteor splits open, and we see that it's no ordinary meteor... *GASP*, it's an alien meteor! Cut to Starla (Elizabeth Banks), a pretty blonde school teacher married to a rich jerk named Grant (Michael Rooker) who drives a fancy Cadillac and owns the biggest house in town.

After Starla rejects Grant's advances in bed one night, Grant goes off for a brisk walk to cure his case of the blue balls. He meets up with another woman in the forest, and before they get frisky, they come across the meteor lying in the boonies. Grant gets too close while investigating, and gets a worm shot at him by some weird slug looking thing. It buries into his chest and after losing and regaining consciousness, he heads back home.

Nathan Fillion is hilarious. The guy is such a bro.

Grant is obviously not the same dude however. He starts getting enormous cravings for meat, starts acting weird around others, and soon enough we learn the bug inside him is a parasite, slowly turning him into a hideously deformed freak from the inside out. Starla is shocked to discover her husband has been killing animals around town, so she tells Bill Pardy (Nathan Fillion), the local town Sheriff. Bill and the rest of the town folk are forced to deal with Grant's mutation before the town is overwhelmed by the alien slugs turning everyone into mindless alien freaks. Oh yeah baby... gotta love that B-movie flavor.

Kill it with fire! Or nuke it. Or BOTH.

I'm disappointed in myself that I had never thought to give Slither a chance before. The mix of comedy, horror, and nastiness is just about perfect. There's plenty of genuinely funny lines and scenes, and the horror isn't half bad considering it's not an out and out scare flick. Nathan Fillion is one of my favorite actors, and he's great as usual, nailing the funny and serious aspects of his role, and his Sheriff is a standout character. Rooker is also good, especially in the beginning as the unlikeable Grant, and the rest of the cast does decent jobs (the asshole mayor is just hilarious). The make up and gore effects are also convincingly disgusting, especially a barn scene with a hideously mutated fat lady, or the famous bath tub scene referenced in the poster.

Favorite part of the movie? Why yes, yes it is.

Slither knows what it wants to do with the audience and does it pretty damn well. It's got the right amount of laughs and thrills to make it enjoyable, switches from gross out horror to comedy seamlessly. It's too bad that Slither did terrible at the box office. Maybe people were expecting a full-blown horror film and were surprised by the funky comedy factor. In any case, if you're in the mood for some tongue in cheek horror, look no further. Very recommended (just don't eat anything while you watch it).

TL;DR - B-movie gross out fun with plenty of one-liners and people getting split open - 8/10

RED (2010) - Old people. Lots of guns. Plenty of fun.

 Bruce Willis has been a pretty dependable guy when it comes to action movies. Sure, he's done his share of weak movies like The Kid and that craptacular Hudson Hawk, but one look at his resume shows he's been faithful to the shooting/punching/stabbing school of film. After all, the guy coined "Yippy-kay-yay motherf*cker!" as his catchphrase. Anyways, the Red trailer looked promising enough: a good cast, decent action scenes, and some funny lines. I regretted not catching it while it was in theaters, so on to the DVD it was.

Bald Bruce Willis is best Bruce Willis.

Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) was once the CIA's top spy, and a legend in the intelligence community. But times change and people get old, seeing as how now Frank is retired old man, living off his pension alone. The only excitement in his life comes from flirting over the phone with Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker) who works at the pensions office. Sarah lives a pretty boring life herself, since it seems she can't get a decent date to save her life and also lives alone. Frank's life gets exciting all of a sudden as a bunch of goons toting assault rifles (god bless the NRA) shoot the hell out of his house. Frank doesn't take any shit though, and breaks a few necks and shoots the rest of the team. He realizes that because of his phone calls with Sarah, whoever is trying to kill him will probably try and hurt her as well. Off to Kansas City he goes, and laughs follow as he breaks into her house to convince her to come with him.

Yeah, Malkovich is wearing a plastic bag. No one knows why.

Frank and Sarah go off to round up Frank's old spy crew, which consists of Joe (Morgan Freeman), Marvin (an awesomely deranged John Malkovich) and Victoria (Helen Mirren), who are probably in danger themselves. They soon realize that a job from the past is coming back to haunt them, and some powerful people want them dead. In addition, they have to deal with another CIA assassin, some asshole named Cooper (Karl Urban) who's been ordered to kill Frank. The story then obviously gets more complicated as the KGB gets involved, the US government, and god knows who else gets their hands dirty. It's all a good excuse to see Helen Mirren shoot dudes in the head with a rifle or John Malkovich blow up people in half with grenades.

Is it weird that picture is actually kind of hot?

Red is fun. It's a lot of fun actually. Seeing the trailer a few months back it was clear to me that you'd have to be a pretty cold-hearted bastard to not laugh at the sight of a wonderfully deranged John Malkovich toting an enormous revolver in one hand and a stuffed pig in the other. Or seeing Morgan Freeman dressed up as an African dictator. Red is at its best when bullets are flying around and the wisecracking is at full notch. The story however, is needlessly confusing at times, and the forced backstory/twist on one of the main characters (I won't spoil... that's not how I roll) is hokey and drags the movie down around the half way mark. It's a shame, because Malkovich and Mary-Louise Parker nail their parts and Willis is back on his usual good form.

John Malkovich with a stuffed pink pig. Pretty tame stuff by his standards...

To be completely honest, Red wasn't as great as I was expecting it to be, which is a damn shame since it has a good ensemble cast and it's fair share of cool sequences (the cop car shootout and CIA headquarters raid are stand outs). It just didn't quite hit the spot like it should have. Maybe I'm too jaded from having seen so many terrible movies lately that I've become some sort of Greg Kinnear-like asshole. I've no problem admitting though: Red is a fresh, funny attempt to pump some life into the action-comedy genre which has given the movie world some absolute shitfests in recent years. Beggars can't be choosers, now can they?

TL;DR - Eternally bald Bruce Willis and his retiree posse bust plenty of caps, but leave you wanting for more - 7/10

THE ITALIAN JOB (2003) - Marky Mark and the Thieving Bunch

Everyone loves a good heist flick. If someone ever tells you they don't, they are liars or they hate life in general. In any case, stay away from them and find normal friends. Anyways, the 1960s and 70s were a great time for old fashioned caper movies, and one of the best of the bunch was The Italian Job, which starred Michael Caine and involved a pretty awesome series of chases through Venice. The 2003 movie is inspired by it, but has a new plot and characters, and is a stand up action movie in its own right. Also, it's got Charlize Theron in it and she's looks pretty hot throughout the whole thing. It didn't take much else to convince me to choose this as my next review.

Why do I love this movie? Here's a clue: it starts with Charlize and ends with Theron

The movie opens with a shout out to the original flick, with a scene in Venice, as veteran thief and safe-cracker John Bridger (Donald Sutherland) calls his daughter back in the U.S., telling her he's in Italy for one last job. John meets up with his crew of thieves, led by Charlie Croker (Mark Wahlberg) and they prepare for a heist involving a huge amount of gold bricks. The team includes getaway driver Handsome Rob (Jason Statham), computer nerd Lyle (Seth Green), explosives pyromaniac Left Ear (Mos Def) and con man Steve (Edward Norton). They get their hands on the gold and they make their way out of the city on speedboats and meet up later to celebrate. The celebrating doesn't last long however, when they're betrayed by a jealous and greedy Steve, who pops a cap in John and makes off with the gold stash, leaving the others for dead in a frozen lake.

Every good heist movie needs its share of witty banter.

Charlie and his gang obviously start planning their revenge on that asshole Steve. To get back their stolen gold, which Steve is sure to keep in a safe, Charlie goes to recruit John's daughter Stella (Charlize Theron), who is a master safe-cracker herself. She agrees to take on the job to avenge her dead father, and the crew gets back to work, scoping out Steve's new mansion and planning to break into his security system. Steve being the bastard that he is, is still very much convinced Charlie and his buddies are dead and is trying hard to sell off his gold.

Yes, I did just add another picture of Charlize into the review. Haters gon' hate.

The gang's first attempt to break into Steve's house and crack his safe goes wrong after Steve wises up and recognizes Stella as the late John's daughter. Charlie is forced to go back to step one and a get a new plan, which will eventually end up including a 400-pound obese Samoan dude, an awesome car chase throughout Los Angeles in tricked out Mini Coopers, explosions, a lot of Jason Statham's scowling, the Russian mafia, etc.

Mini Coopers. Mini Coopers EVERYWHERE.

The original 1969 movie had a lot of comedy alongside its caper story, and was a damn good watch. This Italian Job follows the same formula. It never takes itself too seriously and instead keeps the action moving breezily and uses its cast to good effect. Wahlberg is decent, Charlize is hot, Mos Def's annoying level is at an all-time low, Seth Green has some funny lines, and Statham, as usual, is damn hilarious. Edward Norton always does a great villain too, even if Steve is not exactly one of his best roles. He's more of a tremendous douchebag than a criminal mastermind, but in keeping with the tone of the flick it works well.

It's my blog, and I'll post as much Charlize as I want.

I doubt there's many people that haven't already seen it, but if you're out there, and you've been living under a rock with no cable or Netflix, it's worth a watch.

TL;DR - Marky Mark makes robbing people look so easy, you'll want to do it too - 7.5/10

GET HIM TO THE GREEK (2010) - Or... "DIDDY: THE MOVIE"

Hollywood is a very strange place. You can be a very talented actor and get terrible roles for the rest of your miserable career. It might also be the case that because you've got the hookups, you might happen to be a shit-tastic actor and get a wealth of great roles in which you miserably fail, yet you watch the money pile up. Or, you can be Jonah Hill, be fat, have a very attractive triple chin complete with mangy neckbeard, and play the same character in every movie you're in because... well, you're the fat kid from Superbad. Everybody loved Superbad.

Get Him to the Greek is not a movie that I had high expectations for. In fact, I mostly can't stand the fatness that is Jonah Hill. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against fat actors. One of my favorite fatties of all time was the great Chris Farley. But something rubs me the wrong way about Hill. Shit, I prefer watching movies with Seth Rogen. At least his movies make you chuckle.

Aldous Snow's face on seeing Jonah Hill's bearded triple chin.

Russell Brand reprises his role as the drugged out, sex-crazed British rocker Aldous Snow that he played in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Since he mostly just acts as himself, it's pretty funny and most of the quotable lines in the movie come from him. The story has Snow facing the end of his career after releasing a turd of a song "African Child" which is panned by everyone. Diddy's record company sends Jonah Hill's forgettable character out to bring Aldous back to America for a 10th anniversary concert, and hilarity is supposed to ensue. Of course, what follows is crude but not actually funny jokes, and the movie just tries too damn hard to be oh so funny. 

The funniest part of the movie is when Aldous and McFatty are sitting around in Vegas getting high and drinking. They offer Hill's character a "Jeffrey" joint, with meth, opium, and a ton of other shit in it, and he starts tripping out. Diddy shows up and starts a fight with Aldous Snow's father, and everyone takes turns rubbing their hands on a soft, plush wall.

More Diddy, less Jonah Hill. Diddy on drugs was pretty hilarious.

To make a long story short, Jonah Hill is confirmed for hack status. He can't carry a movie to save his soul since Superbad and the only thing that saved this flick from being a total snoozefest was Diddy mad tripping on drugs and Russell Brand mad tripping on drugs.

TL;DR - Diddy makes funny faces and black jokes and Jonah Hill is fat on screen (again) - 6/10

KICK ASS (2010) - Giving neckbeards everywhere hope

Unless you've been living under a moldy rock for the past year, chances are you've heard of this little ditty called Kick Ass. Apparently it's based on a comic book...err "graphic novel" which everyone and their mother seemed to love. That's good and all, but since I can't be bothered to read things printed on actual paper and shit, I had no idea what this movie was about except that which I got from watching the pretty epic trailer.

So a basement dwelling nerd decides to become a real life superhero and goes around the city getting his ass beat into a bloody pulp. The movie goes out of its way to show you just what a loser Kick Ass really is: he spends all day on his computer, reads comics, talks about comics with his fat, obnoxious friends and the chick he digs is totally unaware of his existence. This last part is 100% totally accurate. No woman looking like Lyndsy Fonseca is ever going to be aware of you unless you are filthy rich or you are a total badass, in which case,  you wouldn't be reading a movie blog online.

Why so serious?

Kick Ass, played by Aaron Johnson, soon starts making enemies, namely Mark Strong's mob boss character, as well as some new crime fighting friends in the form of Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz) and Big Daddy (who else but Nic Cage). A word about Mark Strong. This guy just oozes cool and menace. He's had a couple of great roles in Body of Lies and RocknRolla and it's good to see him getting more quality screen time in American movies. McLovin also plays another loveable loser as Mark Strong's son, but who gives a crap. For the love of god, they've got to stop giving McLovin acting roles. Anyways, this movie belongs to Hit Girl. It's safe to say that without her character and her father, Kick Ass would be been much more bland as a film. Whenever Big Daddy and Hit Girl are on the scene, there's going to be bloody violence galore.

Yeah, not gonna happen in real life, bud.

The story is somewhat generic but does enough to keep the movie breezing past at a good pace. The set pieces are pretty interesting, with a night-vision shootout near the end and Big Daddy wrecking some mobsters' shit at a drug warehouse being the standouts. There's eye candy in Lyndsy Fonseca's scenes as well, and there's some inspired musical choices. As a piece of film making, Kick Ass would be above average at best. There's better superhero movies out there by a mile, but as a guy flick, you can't go wrong. The action is slick, gruesome and fast paced and there's memorable lines and characters.

Worth a watch IMHOTBH.

TL;DR - A nerd becomes a superhero, gets his ass beat a lot and Nicolas Cage dresses up like Batman - 8/10.