MACHETE (2010) - Mexico's Citizen Kane

If you have seen the trailer for Machete, and you still haven't made up your mind to go watch this film, you ought to check carefully to see if you lost your balls somewhere. Seriously, this movie fits the man movie description perfectly. Allow me to list the things that are right and proper in this film:

1. Danny Trejo is an ex-con, and he was in Heat, one of the best guy movies of all time.
2. The main character drives a motorcycle armed with two Miniguns and snarls a lot
3. Cheech Marin with shotguns
4. Lindsay Lohan dressed up as a nun shooting a machine gun
5. Steven Seagal plays a Mexican drug kingpin complete with thick accent. READ THAT AGAIN.

Best Supporting Actor 2010 - Cheech Marin as the Mexican bandit priest

Does this movie have problems? Sure it does. The story is ridiculous. A bearded asshole (played by Jeff Fahey) hires Machete to assassinate a racist senator (Robert De Niro, wondering when he became too old to give a damn) in the midst of a political stand off about illegal immigrants. De Niro is in cruise control throughout the movie, looking like he's cashing a paycheck and wants to Audi up out of there ASAP. Jessica Alba was put in there for her shower scene (yeah) and Michelle Rodriguez plays the same character in all of her movies. Lindsay Lohan walks around mostly naked throughout the entire movie, so there's that.

Shit just got real, son.

WHO CARES? It doesn't matter, and I'll tell you why. Near the middle of the film, Machete is shot and taken to a hospital. He's being treated when a group of racist thugs busts in to take him out. He goes on to decapitate most of them, and makes a quick getaway by jumping out a window holding on to one of the guy's intestines.

You should watch this movie. Go watch it in theaters if you still can. You won't be disappointed. If  you can stand the constant MeXiCoOO StrONggGG!!!!!! barrage and shit about immigration doesn't bother you, it'll be a good time. Or you could wait for it on Blu-ray and watch it drunk, in which case you'd enjoy it over 9000 times more.